The Plan, and finally a photo from the Concert

First, here is the one picture I've found so far from the concert of me singing "The Winner Takes it All." See, I wasn't lying about being the concert. Are you loving the arms, though? It looks as if I was finger painting or perhaps the xerox machine exploded or something. (By the way, do xerox machines still exist?)

About The Plan, what can I say? I LOVE being in this show. The cast is really incredible. There is not a weak scene or a weak link in this production. Eric's writing is fantastic, the space is deliciously intimate, and though I was quite daunted with the role of Bathsheba when I was first cast, I love it so much now. What a ride my scene is! If you are local, please let me know if you want to see it. It will close on April 2nd and runs Thursday, Friday, and Saturday evenings with one matinee this Saturday the 26th. It's is about as good as any production I've ever been, and it's better than many projects I've done. Again, for those interested in attending, here's the Covey Center link for The Plan.

I should run to wake Mimi from her nap and get Aidan off the bus in 15 minutes (and I'm sure a bathroom trip for Ian would be wise), but I hope to post photos and anecdotes from the show before long.

Concert Recap and A New Project

I promise that I will post pictures of the Syd Riggs concert if I can ever get my hands on some, but I thought I'd give a little recap and share about my next escapade.

The concert was just an awesome experience! I remembered that I had such talented friends in college, but I think I forgot how good they really were. The host was Jenny Frogley, who I had met briefly once but did not know personally. She has fabulous pipes and is super, super nice. I really hope to see her perform again sometime, and I have my fingers crossed that I'll be invited to participate next year in the concert (which I'm sure she'll host again).

One of my old college friends in the show was Chris Higbee, who sang "Anthem" from Chess and "Bring Him Home" from Les Mis. He was, is, and has always been thoroughly amazing. In fact, he is so amazing that he came within inches of being cast as Jean Valjean in the National Touring Company of Les Miserables. Alas, he was considered too young for the role. It's a little bit of a shame, because he really would've been amazing. But he has a wonderful career in business and managament (doing something great currently with the Deseret News), and he and his wife Katie have a wonderful family and a great life together.

Another great, uber-talented pair are Allison and Brian Clark. I hadn't known that Brian had actually toured with Les Miserables playing the role of Javert, which explains his thoroughly awesome performance of "Stars" (one of my favorite songs from that show). Seriously, I remembered that he was good, but not that good! Go Brian! And he and Allison gave an hysterical performance of "A Song Like This" from Spamalot. Delightful! I must also mention other amazing school-fellows and their pieces Kathryn Matis-Adams (a rocking out and funny "Find Your Grail" from Spamalot), Michelle Gardner (a feisty and flawless "Don Juan" fromSmokey Joe's Cafe), Amanda Crabb (a beautiful, heartfelt rendition of "I Dreamed a Dream" despite having a terrible cold - BTW, she's an alto in MoTab), and Nicole Riding (singing "Trouble" - I think- from Smokey Joes Cafe and a FACE MELTING "No Good Deed" fromWicked as well as another solo from Rent). What amazing talent I was associated with at BYU! It really was nostalgic to see and perform with them.

The performance that moved me most was the song "I'm Here" from The Color Purple, sung by Josephine Dinnell. Oh. My. Goodness. It was SO powerful! I was a sucker for the film as a teenager (saw it dozens of times), and so I'm familiar with the basic storyline (at least to the film version). That song is touching in the musical, but never as much as it was when Josie sang it. I think it almost helped that I was backstage watching and could hardly hear the piano, because for me the song is all about Celie standing up for herself after a life-time of severe abuse and neglect and saying that she is beautiful and loved and worth it. I was so moved that I was whimpering as I cried. Honestly, just thinking about Josie's voice, honesty, and vulnerability gives me goosebumps and makes me tear up. It was so lovely!

But let's admit, you're here to hear about me, aren't you? Ha ha!! Just joking. But seriously, I was so nervous about how my song would work out. When Ben and I decided on "The Winner Takes It All," we put ourselves into a bit of a pickle. The song is very long and somewhat repetitive, and Ben was unable to find a track that he liked for the show. In addition to that, I was unimpressed with the ending. As you know, the original radio version fades out - not very workable for live theater. And frankly, I don't like the ending in either the movie or the actual show. Finally, I was not going to have any back-up vocalists, and I didn't really want any. So I was pretty unsure how I was supposed to rock it out.

So my answer was to strip the song down and just sing it with a piano. I shortened a couple of the choruses, moved some lyrics around, changed the ending, and when it was done it was a vulnerable song performed as a monologue with a passionate, very belty ending. My final chorus of "The Game is on again" etc. was somewhat ad-libbed with vocal licks and runs, and my last "The Winner Takes it All" popped up to a long, loud, held out D flat. (Ben did say to rock out, right?) I was wearing a yellow flowery halter-top dress with no shoes and simple make-up and slightly frizzy hair. (For some reason, I was thinking SNL's Loraine Newman, but not quite as hopped-up looking.) :) It was very fun!

We had technical difficulties in the first performance when my head-mic didn't work. Some of the audience members were laughing because it was so uncomfortable for a second or two (they thought they were uncomfortable!). Then LOVELY Jenny Frogley ran out from the wings with her hand mic and told me that we should start over. So we did, and though I didn't love the hand mic thing, it went fine. The second show was much better. That time my head-mic did work, and I was able to give the full performance with my hands free to really act out the song. I hope the somehow I'll find video of one or both performances, and if I do I will post it. Despite the challenges, I felt pretty good about it, and I got wonderful compliments all around.

So what next? I'm in a show! I've decided that I'd like to fit one full show a year into our lives, and I'm very excited about this show. The play (not a musical) is called The Plan by Eric Samuelson, and if we can do justice to the material, it will be something very special. Eric is hands down my favorite LDS playwright. I've always loved the quality of his writing, but nothing I've read of his has ever moved and impressed me the way this play does. It is a series of short plays/long scenes featuring the following people: Gaia (a premortal Eve) and Lucifer, Bathsheba and David, Ruth and Boaz, Leah and Jacob, Rahab and Joshua, and Eve and Adam (on Eve's deathbed). The cast is just wonderful, and I will be playing Bathsheba.

This is no My Turn on Earth or Saturday's Warriors. Eric's material is thought provoking and asks powerful questions. And, for me at least, the closing scene with Adam and Eve is genuinely spiritual. I hope that a lot of friends and family who are local will come and see this, because I really believe it's going to be amazing and powerful. If you are interested in seeing more about it, checking the running dates, and possibly purchasing tickets, here's a link to the Covey Center website. It's a very small space, so if you would really like to come, it might be wise to buy tickets early and online. I can't remember the exact number, but I think there are less than 40 seats in the house. But that means that audiences won't miss a word and every seat will be great! And oh how I love acting in a big black box!!!! So please check it out and mark your calendars!

That's all for now, but I'm hoping to post some pics of family and the concert very soon!

I'm in a concert!

Last Friday, I got a phone call that made me just giddy. Every year, a director/producer/choreographer named Ben Tichy pulls together a huge concert of musical theatre pieces. It's all to create a scholarship fund for some Orem High senior who wants to pursue theatre in college, and it's kind of in memory of the late Syd Riggs. She was an amazing drama teacher at Orem High, and she was a pretty terrific woman.

I never did work with Syd, but like many I knew her. If you met her, she became your friend. I understand that she was a terrific drama teacher, not unlike my amazing high school drama teacher, Beverly Blanchette. She was also truly awesome and has gone on to greatness in performing arts education in Florida.

As I said, I never did work with Syd, but I wanted to. I auditioned for a Christmas show she was directing the year that I was a Young Ambassador. None of the YA's were cast that year, and my rejection letter pointed out that there were scheduling conflicts. (They actually sent me a letter! That was great!) But Syd was complimentary of my audition at the time, and on a few occasions when we'd see each other we'd express a mutual desire to work together. Finally one summer, I was attending a master class at Sundance, and she and I visited in the party that followed the event. She mentioned that she was directing the musical Jane Eyre soon. I LOVE that show, and I believe I'd be a good fit for a couple of roles in the play, including Jane. I shared my insecurity about being a bit overweight and approaching 30, and I commented that there was a tremendous amount of talent in the area. Because she's so awesome and so nice she said, "But there aren't as many really great actresses as you think, Dianna." I took it as a compliment and an invitation of sorts to audition.

Unfortunately, life happens and things don't always work out, and that's okay. I planned on auditioning, despite my insecurities. But within weeks of the audition, my husband received a wonderful promotion that was also going to amount to a bit more stress, and he sheepishly asked me to consider not auditioning. I wanted to support my husband, so I didn't. A month later I decided to check out the CD of the musical, and as I listened to each song, I just burst into tears. It was one of those shows that I would've fit into so well. I still think it's unfortunate that we couldn't work it out somehow, but I'm glad that I could support my husband just the same.

That was around 2003. Two years later, Syd Riggs passed away. I don't know all of the details. I think that it was due to some unforeseen complications follow foot surgery. Life is strange, but I guess when you're such a wonderful person and you've finished your mortal work, God might find a strange way to take you home. I understand that it was a terrible shock to everyone in her life.

I want to say this. Syd was apparently a great teacher, and she was a great talent. But what I admired most about her was that she was clearly a great wife and mother and a generally wonderful person. She seemed to have a terrific relationship with each of her children who I knew, which is really saying something of the kind of nurturer that she was. And she was a great nurturer to so many other people. As I've shared, even though I never worked with her, she was very encouraging to me as a person and as an artist. It really is a wonderful way to be, and I believe she probably felt great peace when she went Home.

So, about the concert, if you or anyone you know are free on Saturday at 6:00 PM or 8:30 PM, it is really going to be a terrific show. There are so many amazingly talented performers in it, and the director is crazy talented as well. I'm so excited to be singing "The Winner Takes It All" from Mamma Mia. If you come, be sure to say hello afterward! (Well, I think I'll be able to come out and say hello. At least I know I can after the 8:30 show.)

Anyway, tell your friends!

Fair Thee Well, Facebook

I just quit Facebook. Yes, I officially deactivated my account, but I did something even crazier, more permanent. I literally went into the profiles of each of the people I care to stay personally connected to, and I copied and pasted their contact info into a spreadsheet. Then I deleted them as a friend until I had no friends whatsoever. Am I crazy and weird or what?

But if you know me, then you know that I don't do things halfway. When I'm zealous, I'm pretty much so. (Though I want to make it very clear that being zealous about things, such as religion or politics, does not excuse people to be mean and stinky. Is that clear?)

Anyway, I'm serious about this whole rejecting Facebook thing. Well, for me, I'm serious. It's a great idea for other people. Say, people who have jobs that take them out of their homes and keep them busy. I'm very busy, but in a very different way. I can sit and feed my baby a bottle and, should I choose to, I can pull out my iPhone and check email or surf the net. Cool, but a little sad. Because there's this really cute, fuzzy person in my arms who I can disconnect from in an instant.

And I have some really successful friends who are doing exactly what I once dreamed of doing. Now I want to make another thing very clear. I've chosen this path of stay-at-home-momhood for myself. It was not forced upon me. These monkeys need care, and I may as well be giving them care since no one can love them the way I can. And happily some new aspirations are forming as I've step away from theatre a bit. I see more potential for myself than to just be a performer.

But that doesn't mean that I find it easy all of the time. And when it gets really stressful or tedious or occasionally even boring (gasp), it's so easy to seek out a distraction. And then I see all of these people having (evidently) a wonderful time and tremendous success pursuing what were once my dreams while I scurry around trying to find a lost sippy-cup full of milk. Well, that all can just lead to Discontent. And a discontent mom, while being human and natural and not the end of the world, can make for sad kids who feel unwanted.

So you see now the logic behind my rash decision? Yes, I will miss the hysterical anecdotes about my friend's genius daughter who I'm convinced will someday be a NYTimes collumnist. I will miss the photo albums that only load halfway with extremely dated photos of my friends and I wearing poofy bangs. And I will miss the almost Jane Austen-esque (or Conan O'Brian-esque) lessons in wit that I got from some other friends.

I will not, however, miss the News Feeds, when FB randomly tells me that I'm supposed to care about so-and-so today because I haven't found the time to scroll through my friends list to hide them from the News Feed. I won't miss the Farmville invites (no offense people!). I won't miss the feelings of jealousy toward 30 of my friends who attended a big party that I wasn't invited to (which is okay since I haven't seen most of these people for 10+ years).

No, as I deleted the names and deactivated the account, I felt a sense of relief spread through me. It's going to be okay. To my friends who I wanted to update with my contact info, I started an email with the following:

"I feel as if I’ve just spent a very long time at a cocktail party, and it’s time for me to leave my card and get my coat."

I do indeed. Mine's the black leather with the faux-fur lining. Thank you. :)

"Oh, the silly little things we worry about."

The above is a quote from a friend's blog. That friend recently gave birth to a beautiful little girl with Down Syndrome. What an amazing, humbling experience it has been for her so far. I know little of the current details of her life (it's probably just newborn craziness), but I was so touched by her account of her daughter's birth. Like me, she had been disappointed with her first birth experience, which was a very high-intervention birth and where her son was born covered in mechonium. For this second birth, her main focus was to have a safer, low-intervention, low-pain (I'm assuming hypnobirth) experience. Then, when her daughter was born, she and everyone else immediately noticed that her daughter's eyes were different from the typical baby's eyes. She had been advised that, based on a prenatal screening, there was a 1 in 23 chance that the baby would have Down Syndrome (she had opted out of having amniocentesis). Before long it was confirmed.

In her blog post, after describing her aspirations to birth unmedicated, she said the above - "Oh, the silly things we worry about." I couldn't help but laugh at myself. I guess in my head I thought, "Oh the silly things we mourn over." As I've struggle over my own disappointments with nursing and have felt ungrateful for my weak body, I've also looked around and remembered that I'm surrounded by women who've faced much more serious challenges and who complain a lot less than I do. I have friends and neighbors who cannot have children or whose children have major health issues or disabilities.

Not only do they complain less, they rejoice more. Instead of focusing on the trial, they see God's miracles in response to the trial. My friend's daughter may have Down Syndrome, but she will have a wonderful life and accomplish amazing things, and she must be a very special person. These are definitely the last days, and Heavenly Father has saved some of the choicest spirits to be born. Some of those spirits are so choice that they only need to come to earth to gain a body, and some of them have either short mortal lives and/or will be innocent and incapable of sin. Such thoughts might bring little comfort when someone is in the midst of rightful despair, but when someone is filled with faith and hope, it can bring great joy to them.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, and I have little personal experience with death and disabilities so far. I don't long for such experiences. But I do know that, because of the Savior and His resurrection, death and disabilities will be conquered, and that should bring so much joy to all of us.

Nursing probably won't mean much in the next life. :) But as I mourned over the disappointments with it, a good friend reminded me that infirmities, great and small, are all a result of the Fall and will be resolved through the resurrection of Christ. How timely it is that we just celebrated Easter! He lives, and through Him all will live again and be whole.

So I hereby resolve to try a little better to rejoice in the miracles and have more peace with the trials. And, really, who couldn't rejoice over such miracles?

Cherishing Motherhood

Here she is! Mira Lovisa Graham was born at 12:09 AM on February 17, 2010. She was 20" long and weighed 8'12". I promise to have more and better photos soon, but here are some glimpses of our Mira with her siblings and by herself. If you're a facebook friend, please forgive the repeats.





Mira is a sweet, tender-hearted little girl, and we love her so much. When you are bonding with her, she looks deep into your eyes, and she's seems very perceptive and almost thoughtful at times. More than any of my other babies, she seems rather sensitive to light and other stimulus, which has been a little challenging at times with all of her admirers. Still, she's becoming more accustomed to all of the excitement, and we are enjoying getting to know her more and more.

Becoming a mother of four has been, hands down, the most humbling experience of my life. I have never done anything to deserve such a privilege, and I'm mindful of how blessed I am to have 4 healthy little monkeys entrusted to David and me. I'm confident that so many could do this better, just as so many were better missionaries than I was and are more deserving of the blessings I enjoy. Oddly enough, God doesn't always measure out responsibilities based on skill or qualification. It amazes me how he often puts great, difficult, humbling works into the hands of the least qualified with the promise that He'll assist us in our work.

Of course, if you're anything like me, then you might often forget that He will assist you. Or you might have difficulty seeing His assistance as you receive it. I'll try to work on this.

Where is this coming from? Well, there is one thing that has always eluded me in some way and which hits a very sore spot in my heart. Well, of course motherhood is one thing, silly! But, no, this thing is smaller and is less significant, and yet my experiences with it have brought disappointment and pain that run deeper each time I've encountered it. I can only rejoice in the fact that I'll never encounter it again (unless I'm mistaken and there is another spirit waiting to join our family. But, no, I believe we're done). The thing I'm talking about is: breast-feeding.

Family members and good friends are probably rolling their eyes in unison, and I'm sorry to bring it up. I don't plan to ever again on this blog, and I'll try to stop bringing it up in conversations with friends, family, or even a whole Relief Society class. :) But nursing has been one of the most humbling challenges I've tried to tackle in my life, and it's something over which I've shed many, many tears.

Let me explain why it's so emotional. You see, when I had Sophie, there were so many difficulties with nursing. I had poor education, poor obstetrical care that affected my ability to produce a good milk supply, a small but annoying health issue, etc. There were enough issues and I made enough mistakes from the beginning that when Sophie was 6 weeks old, she refused the breast, and I stopped fighting to make nursing work. I pumped until she was 3 months old and then let go, and she was a happy, healthy bottle-fed baby. With Aidan, I didn't make the same mistakes, my body worked better, and I was determined to overcome whatever obstacle came my way - for four months at least. Our bout with yeast (which we had also had with Sophie) was brief and quickly resolved. And when we learned that Aidan had a dairy sensitivity so dramatic that he had bloody stools, I stuck it out and avoided dairy for the next few months.

At 4 months, though, I was exhausted, starving, struggling with post-partum depression, and dying for sleep. After much consideration and prayer, we switched Aidan to the bottle, and he and I both thrived better. I was grateful to have nursed him for that long, and I forgave myself for the mistakes I made with Sophie.

When Ian came, I hoped to pass four months, but I only made it to two months. He was a sleepy eater, had a dairy sensitivity as well (though not quite as dramatic as Aidan's), he gained slowly after the first month, and again I found myself anxious and overwhelmed. When David had a two day business trip, and Ian had begun wanting to feed every 1 1/2 hours for a good week, I broke down and offered him a bottle. We weaned him shortly after, and again he and I both thrived better. I was grateful to have done the first two months. I'm sure I mourned a bit, but Ian quickly started sleeping amazingly, and I couldn't mourn over that. So we moved on, and he was a happy baby.

With Mira I think a part of me had been convinced that if I could have an uncomplicated birth (for a change) and nurse a baby right away, we'd have a better start, the baby would nurse better, my supply would be stronger, and we'd have avoided half of the problems. So I was very focused on Mira's birth, and I failed to analyze the challenges of my previous experiences and really come up with a specific plan to avoid them in the future.

I could've hired some help for the first weeks to make life less stressful. I could've planned out my diet better, because I knew (and was right) that the baby would be sensitive to dairy (plus dairy fosters yeast in those prone to it). I could have wall mounted the pressure gate sooner to keep Ian in more control during feedings. I could have read a good book on nursing (I had hoped to get one). I could've pumped after each feeding for the first two weeks to get my milk flowing better and ensure a good milk supply. I could've called a friend and gotten childcare when we hit some bumps with Mira so that I could see a lactation consultant and bombard them with questions. I could've tried to get out of the house more earlier on, because the isolation of the first weeks (and being underclothed and chilly in mostly dark rooms most of the time) was not helpful for my emotional state. I could've done so many things differently to make nursing work better. As they say, "Coulda, woulda, shoulda."

But I didn't, and so between the 40 minute sleepy feedings, the dairy sensitivity, the shooting pains in my breasts from another case of intraductal yeast, the adequate but less impressive weight gain for Mira (and startling weight loss for me), and my overall anxiety and depression shooting through the roof while my energy tanked daily, we decided that it would be better for everyone if we switched her to a bottle. I felt sad but resigned after praying over the matter. I considered pumping my milk, and I even got up the first night to pump. But I knew that just lactating put such a strain on me, and the dietary limitations and the yeast issue would persist, at least for awhile. I felt that it would be best to just let go.

I know gradual weaning is best, and I wish I had chosen that instead. I had three days of terrible engorgement, and on the forth day I woke feeling tender but improved. Then my mourning began.

That was two and a half weeks ago, and now it comes in waves. When I can eat ravioli or peanut butter, sleep through her one night-time waking while David gives her a bottle, go out for more than an hour alone, or confidently snuggle and sooth her fussiness without questioning if she has gotten enough to eat, I rejoice in bottle feeding her. I love to look into her eyes while she feeds. I love that in 20 minutes or less, she's full and we can just enjoy being with her. I like how she has filled out more, and I'm not as stressed when she takes long naps (she is quite the sleeper!). I know that David is happy to bond with and care for more and to give me more relief and freedom.

I just wish I hadn't quit so soon, and there is nothing that I can do about it. When I see other women nursing, I regret knowing that, while it was problematic and challenging, I could still have nursed her. I had a choice, and I chose to quit at 2 1/2 weeks! Two days after we switched her to a bottle, every one of her siblings came down with an awful cold. I came down with the same cold a week and a half later. I could've done more to protect her from illness, and now all I can do is take good care of her and be a hand-washing, distance, and cleanliness Nazi. She just started doing this little cough, and I have no idea if it's the beginning of a cold or just her making new sounds. We'll just have to see.

Relactation is not an option. Even if it were medically possible, such a task would be more strenuous on my family, Mira, and me. I believe our family is complete. There will be no more chances, and another chance would undoubtedly have all of the same challenges arise, I know it. Besides, you don't have babies just for a chance to nurse again.

There is no turning back. I wish I could stop looking back. I know that I need to.

Sometimes we have disappointments, either inflicted upon us or resulting from our own choices, that we cannot undo. How humbling it is that only time and prayer can heal that wounds that result.

This is small, I know it. There are harder trials and bigger mistakes. As I shared before, I forgave myself for the Sophie nursing mistakes with Aidan, because my illusions about nursing were gone forever. I knew that, even when you can make it work, it's not some Utopia of motherhood. It's still work and sacrifice for many/most women.

I believe that Mira will be fine, and I hope we can keep her from getting sick while she's such a vulnerable little newbie. But this experience has taught me that opportunities are to be cherished. I had a limited opportunity, and I gave it up a little sooner than I think I should have. Last night, as I was holding Mira and gazing at her, what small amount of milk I still have let down (not even enough to leak), and I was reminded of what it was like to nurse her. I started crying, and when David asked what was wrong, all I could say was, "I wish I had cherished the experience more."

David patiently responded, "Let's try to cherish this." Sound advice indeed.

Long Time No See...

If you are reading this, then you are too cute and thank you so much. I wouldn't have blamed people for never reading my blog again seeing as it has been over two months since I've updated it. Anyway, I'm back to give updates and be my pensive self. Alas I only have one photo at my fingertips today, but that should suffice, right?

First of all, Happy New Year!! We had a wonderful holiday season this year. Halloween proved to be a three day event between the ward costume party, trick or treating at David's work, and the actual day. The kids picked some cute costumes as usual. Sophie chose to be Hannah Montana (since she has the perfect hair for it and adores Miley Cirus - I know...). Aidan picked out the most adorable Mario costume, which was unsurprising considering his infatuation with Wii. Actually it's an obsession, but we are dealing with it as best as we can. :) And Ian was a simply delightful Buzz Lightyear.

Of course, according to David's and my usual trend, we decided at first that life was too crazy to try and pull costumes together. Then we got too excited at the last minute and decided we had to share in the fun. Since this is our last baby, we didn't want to miss a chance to utilize the pregnant belly. So on the day of the church party, I dragged the boys to DI to pick out the cheapest and silliest looking wedding dress I could find; and we made a quick stop at Walmart to buy a toy shotgun. Here's the whole family:



By the way, shotgun wedding costumes make an interesting joke at a church party. I mean, it's kind of suggestive, but not. You know? Anyway, we still thought it was a fun idea.

For Thanksgiving, we took a long awaited trip back east to see some family. Though we traveled twice last year and I had originally promised myself that I wouldn't travel during this pregnancy (I've traveled during every pregnancy and didn't love it), all of my grandparents live in the same general area (well, if the "area" includes Rhode Island, New Jersey, and New York), and they are each declining somewhat. So I felt that we should take advantage of what was likely our last chance to see them in this life. The trip went pretty well, though it finally hit me hard that we really can't afford to continue to travel by air as family. It's too expensive and way too easy to overstay your welcome (I totally booked too long a trip). I'll just leave it at that.

We did enjoy seeing some wonderful relatives. We stayed with my father and step-mom for most of the trip, but we did take a two day trip to meet up with my Mom in Philadelphia (the most interesting "halfway point" between us). We had the chance to see Nonnie, my step-grandma, a couple of times, and that was very special. She's probably one of the sweetest people you could ever meet in your life. On our last full day before returning home, we went with my father and step-mom to Long Island to see a bunch of wonderful relatives (it really was a treat) and to visit my Grandma Mary at the nursing home where she lives. Grandma Mary is wonderful, and though she has declined quite a bit and has difficulty communicating and understanding what's going on, she's as beautiful as ever. It was so wonderful to see her with the kids, when her communication would suddenly improve greatly. All in all, it was a long but very special and meaningful day.

Despite all of the excitement of Thanksgiving, it really felt wonderful to be home for the holidays, especially as my belly has continued to grow and my fatigue has been increasing. We did have a wonderful Christmas though! Lots of wonderful family time and some yummy food. And we felt that we got a little bit closer to being able to have a spiritual Christmas as well. One of the highlights was a very special nativity performed on Christmas eve by all of the kids. Sophie got to play Mary, and Aidan was an extremely handsome (albeit shorter than Mary) Joseph. The kids did a wonderful job, and there was a lovely spirit as we sang a few hymns together. I think it was one of our most special Christmases yet.

After the Christmas holiday we had some winding down time, a fun evening of visiting with some of David's extended relatives who came into town, and a low key New Year's Eve together. For Aidan's birthday on the 2nd, we originally planned to head up to Salt Lake for lunch at California Pizza Kitchen and a few hours at the Discovery Gateway, but due to 4 out of 5 family members suffering with a cold at one stage or another we postponed the trip for this coming Sunday. Still, we made the most of Aidan's birthday with lunch at Osaka, our favorite Japanese restaurant (though the service was a little off that day), lots of Wii, a nice dinner at home, and cake and a movie before bedtime. We had a great day. Again, it was just so great to be together just as family. We feel so blessed to have each other.

As for January, it has thoroughly kicked our butts. :) But seriously, January will probably always be fairly hectic for us (lots of birthdays, check-ups, vehicle registration, etc), but this one has been one for the books. Add to our usual roster an impending baptism on February 6th (Sophie), colds for each of us (a persistent one for Aidan), one case of bronchitis (David's), weekly check-ups with midwives, a very pregnant mother in the house, and a moderate case of pre-childbirth anxiety, and you've got yourself a very interesting month. At least the month is almost over, and we've kept our heads through most of it (with the occasional meltdown from someone in the family - and really, not just me, I promise).

So our next post will contain some lovely photos of our new daughter Mira and memories of Sophie's baptismal day (which will hopefully not need to be rescheduled last minute with Mom and baby sister in the hospital). If you have a prayer to spare, we'd be grateful!

Two crazy, eventful weeks...

Well, first, the good news: We're having another girl!! Isn't that fun?! Sophie was a delightful baby, and we're sure her baby sister will be just as lovely and fun. Just as a hint at how she might look (if she's anything like her big sister - and so far the kids tend to look very similar), here's an old favorite of mine:



Isn't that tender?

Anyway, the ultrasound also showed a healthy looking heart, brain, spine, etc. (in as much as they could tell). We always get very anxious about the baby until the movements become consistent and until we've had the ultrasound. We feel very blessed that she looks well so far. We hope she'll continue on that way. We have a few thoughts on names, but we're open to any suggestions.

On the day following the ultrasound and the exciting news, however, we had a day full of stress and sadness. Our little Ian broke his leg. I know, it's terrible, and I was very humbled in knowing that I wasn't watching him better. He was playing in the kitchen and sitting backwards in one of the dining room chairs with his legs through the space in the bottom. The chair then fell back and pinned his legs. I was upstairs gathering laundry, distracted by something stressful and taking too long to gather things, when I heard the crash. I knew from his cry, the position of his legs, and the look on his face that I'd blown it. We got him in to his doctor who referred him for an x-ray at the hospital. It wasn't a terrible fracture (as if any fracture in the leg of a 15 3/4 month old is anything but terrible). It was a small "buckle" in his right tibia. Dr. Zollo got him into a splint that day, and we were scheduled to see an orthopedic doctor a week later to get a cast, which he'd probably wear for 6 weeks. The good news, to our surprise, was that the doctor took a good look at the x-ray of the fracture, examined the great splint Dr. Z had done for him, and determined that 3 weeks should be sufficient time for the fracture to heal. He also felt that the splint was good enough that a cast would be unnecessary. So we are scheduled to come back next Thursday, October 15th, and Dr. Schow will x-ray Ian's leg to see if it has healed. He hopes that Ian will be well enough to be without the splint from then on. We all hope so. Ian has done very well considering, but he misses his freedom (as he daily demonstrates by walking around on his splinted leg - Dr. Schow said this is okay). We miss his skinny right leg and being able to bathe him without plastic bags over his leg. (And Ian tends to have a number of messy diapers a day, and frequent rinsing/bathing usually helps...)

I guess that's what has gotten most of our attention these past couple of weeks. It has been humbling. We are blessed, and Ian's broken leg was a wake up call that I often allow myself to get distracted from what's most important and focus on less important matters. We/I can just count our blessings that his injury wasn't worse.

On a lighter note, I read a fabulous book called The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. If you find European culture and history interesting, and if you like vampire novels, you might really enjoy this one. The writing is fantastic, and the storyline is told in such a creative, fascinating way. And, no offense to Twilight fans, this book is no Twilight. This book eats Stephanie Meyers and her whole series for breakfast - no joke. Bram Stoker's Dracula (which is mentioned repeatedly in this book), while being clever and fun and a novelty for its time, is a snack next to this one. The Historian is just over 900 pages long of relatively fine print, and I'm not the quickest reader I know. So it took me about 9 days to get through it, but I LOVED it. It's definitely a new favorite of mine, and I expect to read it many times more. If you ever read it, I'd love to hear what you think of it.

Lastly, I finally made a start on my speed-reading class this week, and I'm hopeful it will help. I'm very interested in getting a masters degree someday, and I think I'll need to be a better reader if I'm to prepare for the G-SAT, etc. My only complaint is that I'm supposed to do much of the next assignment sitting at a table or desk with both feet on the floor, finger tracing while reading at least 30 minutes a day for 5 consecutive days. I never read sitting at a table. It's always in my bed, and frankly I'm pretty pooped in the evening (which is the only time I'll be able to commit to the course). But I must finish the course before the holidays hit in full swing, or I'll be in big trouble with BYU Independent Study. Well, either that or I'll have lost $40 and won't be any faster a reader. Either way, I need to get cracking!!

Oh Autumn, where are thou?

This post won't really be about my looking forward to Autumn (though, really Autumn, what's taking you so long?!), but it seemed as good a title as any. Actually, I'll just give a little update and maybe emote a little.

So we are now 19 weeks along, and this baby's movement is subdued so far. Am I expecting too much? I don't know. I've just heard too many miscarriage stories lately (really bad ones where the mom had to be induced to deliver a 20 week stillborn), I have some terrific friends who are unable to have babies, and as usual there is a part of me that expects something to go wrong. Still, we'll keep praying, doing our check-ups, and then it's just trust. And faith.

On the home front, we have had to spend exorbitant amounts of money in the last few weeks, and it has been ouchy. I shouldn't complain. We're fine. But on a week when we were expecting the fencing guys to start demolishing our old fence and some of the pillars (an expensive enough job), our water heater died. It was gross and wet (the carpet has the stains to remind us). We had it replaced on that Monday, only to discover that our garage door had finally really cracked and would no longer close. That was replaced on Wednesday. Ironically, the fence demolitioners/installers had truck issues that week and did not start until the following week. The demo-ing and replacing took about a week and a half, with a few absent days there where we wondered where the heck our guys were. It was finally finished sometime last week, and it looks pretty good. There were a few things that needed/need retouching, and now we will see how soon everything is fully resolved and the final bill is tallied. This has been interesting. David and I really don't know what the customer service standard typically is for this kind of work, but this job has been lame. My favorite bit of lameness is when, on the final day of installation, the younger installer (without consulting with his superior, I believe) found a hole in a slat and messily patched it up. When we saw the "patch" and had no idea what it was, it was among a few things David insisted on discussing with the installer. He came, saw the patch, repatched it before telling David, and offered a $25 discount on the job. Now, friends, while we do not want to unnecessarily chuck our money away, when we are already spending $7300 on a job (no joke - this one has been a searing fortune), saving $25 for accepting an ugly patch-job on a brand new fence didn't seem to make sense. David and I kept thinking how much more intelligent and cost effective it would've been to discuss this "patch it or replace it" issue BEFORE they "finished" the job, and we could have said, "No, we ordered a brand new fence, please get us a whole slat,". Give me a break!!! So we are still a work in progress with the fence.

By the way, I love my husband. He was respectful but firm, and though we're happy to have the old fence gone and be near the end, I will not be recommending All-American Vinyl to anyone soon. (So tell your friends!!!)

I read a disturbing book last week which I want to unrecommend to friends. It's called Year of Wonders. It's about a village hit by the plague. It's gruesome, depressing, and then at the end the main characters behave completely contrary to their own natures. Beware friends!!!

There's really not much else to tell. Sophie is loving 2nd grade, Aidan is loving preschool, and Ian is ridiculously adorable and yet driving me slightly mad. He gets into absolutely everything, and the poor dude has like 3 or 4 messy diapers a day. What a tragedy to be someone so bad-smelling!!

And I'm still me. Last night a friend and I had a wonderful chance to attend a workshop at the Orem "Best in Music" with Don Ripplinger. I haven't done a lot of workshops, so I was a little surprised when it was just him introducing us to great choral music which we sight-sang for an hour. My voice was tired at the end of the night, but my heart was full and I found myself misty, yet humbled about my relationship with music. It has blessed my life and I hope to continue to still grow as a musician. But music is a truly enormous beast, and none of us will conquer it entirely in our lifetimes (I won't even come 1/1,000,000,000th of the way in mine), and for some reason that made me melancholy last night. I reminisced with David about a few years ago when I saw Delora Zijack, one of the world's premiere mezzo-sopranos in opera, and how I pretty much wept every time she opened her mouth. She was so amazing - flawless voice and technique. I thought, "This is what someone can become if they marry themselves to the music!!" It was a mixed bag of emotions. I felt similarly about my wonderful experience of performing with Jennifer Welch-Babbidge, who is now local and focusing mostly on her family, but who at one time was a regular principle at the New York Metropolitan Opera. Wow! She is also amazing - glorious soprano and a set of lungs that puts me in my place! (And really, my lungs have been good to me so far...) It's all so amazing.

And yet, I don't regret the course I've taken and am on. I just sat there having a little moment of pregnancy melancholy when I thought of the music I need to learn, the piano skills I need to obtain, the plays I need to read, the languages and history I ache to study, etc. Shorthand, speed-reading, cooking, fitness, liguistics, theatre, music, literature, history - I want to tackle it all!!! And then there are the Mommying skills I want learn better - time/home management, sewing, food-storage, etc. And most importantly, the personal skills I need desperately to work on - like praying more, talking less and listening more, being a supportive wife and mother, and being a better friend. Wow!!!

Okay, no depression. Really, I'm good. After a few tears last night and a talk with David ("I'm going to cry. Could you hold me for a minute?"), I dragged myself upstairs, read the scriptures on my Palm lying down (still pretty darn queasy at bedtime), and then wasted 20 minutes surfing the net where I stumbled on a really lame website by and for bitter ex-mormons. These folk were pretty miserable, and I thought to myself, "I really don't have much to be depressed about." We're good.

Happy Birthday Toby,..uh, I mean David

My hottie husband turned 33 this week. He's so cute, and is currently only a year younger than me right now. In October, he'll be two years younger again. Actually, it's a 22 1/2 month gap, but when we married in September of 1999, David only had to admit to being a year younger than his wife.

So last year, a few of us had a Wordgirl theme at Halloween. I was Wordgirl, Ian was Captain Huggyface, and David was Toby - my favorite of all Wordgirl villians - a 9-11 year old evil genius who likes to speak with a British accent and create havoc with his homemade robots, fears only the wrath of his ear-tugging mother, and has a not-so-secret crush on Wordgirl.

A coworker of his took a couple of pictures of us, but we've yet to get save-able copies of them, or I'd have posted a photo a long time ago. She does, however, still have them saved, as the following was posted all over David's place of work on his birthday.



Isn't that cute?! You know, even as a bow-tie wearing, evil genius, he's still pretty good looking. Happy Birthday, you Hottie!!

Supporting Family

My sister is in pain. She just had major surgery, and when I called her the following day, she was alone and in pain. I wished I could do something to help, and I slightly regretted not having gone out to Ohio to help out. When I called today, she was doing a little better, but it has been a rough day. The main reason things should be better are because she called out for help and made sure someone was with her, making sure her monitors were working properly, making sure she got her pain medication on time, etc. What a relief, and yet it's not over. But I'm so glad that she has our mom at her side today. When I asked if it was helping, Christina said, "Mom's great at making sure I'm not forgotten." Go Mom!!! I love you!

It made me think of this film clip. It makes me laugh and cry at the same time, and I know that if it came to this, my mother would do nothing short of it.

An explanation and consolation for being away so long...

So I'm now 7 1/2 weeks pregnant. I know that many wait until they are at least 12 weeks before they go public, but I am too wimpy and want people to know why I'm looking a little green in the face and gaining at least 2 pounds per week due to the constant snacking I do to preempt against vomiting. It's a drag, though I'm excited and grateful to be expecting. I believe this is our last. To those of you who have or want 5 or more, you are my hero. I think we'll just hold tight, pray for a healthy little bundle of joy, and call it good.

All of that established, I wanted to share this extremely lovely video that was forwarded to me. If you like Twilight but like women and healthy relationships more, you'll like this.



I also enjoyed this one too, though it's a bit older news.



Anyway, there is no point to this, except to make you laugh. I need that.

Idol Thought: My Response to the Results

For starters, I appreciated the comments I received for the last post. It's so fun to hear your thoughts.

This may surprise people considering the last post, but I was actually pretty pleased that Kris won despite my respect for Adam. The thing about American Idol that I love/hate is that we're not just watching the contest, but we choose the winner. Adam is an artist's performer, and his talent is to be admired. But I think a majority of viewers want a winner who doesn't make them a little uncomfortable every time they watch him. Adam just came on a little too strong for a lot of people. That's why Danny and Kris were there so close to the end - they made audiences feel more comfortable (except when Danny was screaming the end of "Dream On." Oh what a riot!!). I believe that's why Kris won. I don't know, just a theory. I'm always happy when the winner is not necessarily the artist that the judges are trying to cram down our throats. It's not their decision, it's the viewers' decision.

In truth, I really think that Kris did great in the finale too. His first song was terrific, his version of "What's Going On" was hot and totally under-appreciated by the judges (what else was he supposed to do with the song - belt it out at the top of his lungs or something?), and he sounded better on Kara's lame original song than Adam despite it being on the high side for him. I love what a versatile musician he is. Like many, I wonder if he'll be much of a success, but if his own songs are as good as his covers of other songs, then he'll be great.

Last year, David Archuleta was unquestionably the more gifted vocalist of the two Davids, but Cook was the better performer overall. I think this situation was similar, except that while Archuleta is a flawless singer, Adam Lambert is UNBELIEVABLE. Yeah, I know I probably sound hypocritical - love his singing, but glad he didn't win. Yes, I'm in awe of his voice, and I think he is such a unique talent. I would rather listen to him or see him in a musical, though, than watch him in concert. Unless Queen wanted to have a big comeback - then Adam would be the perfect lead singer for them. Just saying.

I only hope that next year is better organized. I want to have those extra two weeks to fall in love with the singers. The whole top 36 thing with 12 at a time in the beginning was Bogus. Some people have a few kinks to work out from this year...

Idol Thought: Upcoming 2009 Finale

I know that it has been a long time since I’ve blogged on American Idol. It has been a busy time lately, but I’ve been watching and enjoying as usual. Tonight the two finalists were announced, and I’m still digesting the result. Instead of the expected face off between Adam Lambert and Danny Gokey, it’ll be Lambert versus Kris Allen. Wow! But such is the way with American Idol. Two seasons ago, the amazing Melinda Doolittle did not make it to the finale, and Jordan Sparks ended up smoking poor Blake Lewis (who I loved but did not expect to win). Chris Daughtry didn’t make the finale either three years ago, and he has since made huge success for himself. But, I digress…

Though the talent was a little less thrilling this year than last year, there were some terrific people with some great voices. The biggest revelation in talent this year was definitely Adam Lambert. Okay, I talked about Adam in the past, and my feelings are still the same. He has unbelievable pipes. I don’t think that there has been a more unique and impressive vocalist in this competition – period. I mean, really. This guy has an amazing range, from a solid tenor all the way up to soprano. Heck, he’s practically a contralto (as high as a man can go, and it usually required castration to achieve that). His technique is practically perfect and his control, when he chooses to use it, is out of this world. If you need proof, listen to the following YouTube recording. It’s amazing. (Skip to the last minute if you’re short on time.)


One night after a show I said, “Man, what can’t the guy sing? Well…other than bass (very low).”

Adam would make the late Freddy Mercury, the lead singer of Queen, humble. In this video of Mercury, notice the similar energy and charisma (which some might find creepy), and yet Mercury doesn’t appear to have the vocal stamina to nail the high notes written into the end of the song. Lambert would probably have a more resilient voice with that amazing technique.



Here’s the problem with Adam, though. Like Mercury, he has amazing range, energy, and showmanship; but Mercury was completely over the top. The same can be said for Adam. I don’t really like his vocal styling. With most of his songs, he would start the song with comfortable, smooth vocals, and then halfway through he’d go wild with riffs and rock screams. Vocalists and musicians are saying “wow,” but many audience members are saying “enough already!” I’ve been blown away with the judges, but I also think that watching Adam has been like going to the opera. You might not love what you hear, but it’s pretty amazing that they can do it.

As for Kris, I think he’s great. He has a nice voice and has given some really solid, moving performances. He’s well rounded, playing both the piano and the guitar (though the guitar is his stronger instrument), and he is smart with this song picks. He stays true to his own flavor at all times. He wasn’t one of the strongest vocalists, to be honest. He has had a few bum notes here and there, and yet you can’t help but love him. He has almost a Brooke White factor – multi-talented, extremely likeable, modest appearance, yet attractive, married with a cute spouse, humble, etc. I imagine that even those who didn’t vote him into the finals must have a hard time not cheering for such an underdog.

What can I say about Danny Gokey? We’ll miss him. He might not have had the charisma that many previous Idol winners have had, but he had a terrific, strong, sexy voice and a whole lot of soul. He seemed genuinely grateful for the success he had, and he had that Oprah factor that I previously mentioned (a recent widower – how could you not get attached to this guy?). I really had hoped he’d win. Even now, I hope he has a good career in music on some level. He’s talented and seems like such a good person. Here's an ironic embed:



So it’s now up to the voters to decide who will win the finale, and to be honest, I think Kris will be the upset. Despite Danny’s more impressive vocals, Kris still got more votes than him. This guy has devoted fans. We don’t know who had the most votes. We could assume it was Adam, because the judges go ballistic every week over his voice, but for all we know, Kris might’ve been the one with a million votes more. Also, the chances of a majority of Danny Gokey fans switching their vote to Adam Lambert are pretty slim. So, unless Gokey fans are bitter and decide to stick it to Kris by voting for Adam, next week’s new Idol will likely be Kris Allen. BUT, we’ll just have to wait and see about that, won’t we?

A Little Lesson in Horticulture

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook profile a few weeks ago, and it is now a favorite of mine. Incidentally, I've loved Christopher Walken for most of my life. I think it's because he reminded me of my father, though
my father is much more handsome.




This is my dad with Sophie when she was just 11 months. Now that is a good looking man. I can't really speak for his gardening abilities though.

Do I Know My Spouse?

A friend had these questions on her blog, so I tagged myself and am doing it now for your reading enjoyment. You might enjoy my answers, but if you have a spouse you'll likely be skimming and thinking of your own answers. I'll take no offense. Do it!!!

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
I Said: World of Goo on Wii
He Said: Just a movie

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
I Said: Italian
He Said: Italian or some kind of vinaigrette

3. What's one food he doesn't like?
I Said: cilantro or any kind of sausage (excluding pepperoni)
He Said: "Quaker" (some awful oatmeal drink from his mission), olives, or really raw meat (He said my answers are better though).

4. You go out to eat and have a drink. His drink would be?
I Said: Any peach or mango frozen drink
He Said: "If we're splurging, then if there's some mango drink, I'd enjoy it...or some fruit like peach..."

5. Where did he go to high school?
I Said: Junior and Senior year - Timpview High; before that - ??
He Said: Freshman and Sophomore and most of Junior - North High in Riverside; then Timpview

6. What size shoe does he wear?
I Said: 10 1/2
He Said: 10 or 10 1/2

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
I Said: mp3's or movies
He Said: DVD's, music

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
I Said: Club sandwich w/bacon added
He Said: "Subway club is what I get at Subway"

9. What would he eat every day if he could?
I Said: something with mushrooms or chicken piccatta
He Said: crab (I missed that, but he's right - it's crab)

10. What is his favorite cereal?
I Said: Cinnamon Life or some fruity grown up cereal
He Said: "Do I have a category of non-treat cereal?" - actually Honey Bunches of Oats w/Peaches

11. What would he never wear?
I Said: a yellow shirt
He Said: an earring (good answer, David)

12. What is his favorite sports team?
I Said: LA Lakers (when he was a kid), though he doesn't watch sports these days
He Said: don't have one

13. Who did he vote for?
I Said: John McCain, but he was really uncertain (Democrat in the blood, you know...)
He Said: John McCain

14. Who is his best friend?
I Said: me :)
He Said: "you, of course"

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?
I Said: freak out
He Said: "Be hard on yourself, be sad, and stay up too late"

16. What is his Heritage?
I Said: English, Scottish, Swedish, all things Slavic
He Said: "Mixed European - English, Scottish, Danish" "Anything else?" "I'm sure."

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?
I Said: Black Forest or something close to a treat he had in Switzerland
He Said: "It definitely has whipped cream frosting...maybe a black forest kind of a thing. Something with fruit in it."

18. Did he play sports in high school?
I Said: No
He Said: Nope

19. What could he spend hours doing?
I Said: playing Wii with Aidan and being with family
He Said: "sleeping or vegging or playing Wii with my kids...or staying up late and working"

20. What is one thing you appreciate about him?
How much time to you do have? Well, one thing? His enduring love for me. (Believe me, he is enduring...)

Okay, your turn friends!! Go!

Loving Motherhood

Years ago I started asking myself, whenever faced with a major decision, “Dianna, if you were on your deathbed, which choice would you most regret having given up?” I think the catalyst must’ve been my biological clock and deciding when to start having children. I married David with no intention of giving up on a career in acting for awhile. My goal at the time was to try to get an agent, establish myself in a modest career (ironic considering acting has little to do with modesty), and then start having children. At least then I’d have some connections set up for an occasional acting stint here and there. I had already lost interest in the idea of moving to a big city and trying to become a professional stage actress. I just thought that a little TV/film work or a play here and there would be a great goal (and difficult enough to pursue).

Then a strange series of events occurred. I was eating lunch with a work supervisor who, upon learning that I was 26, asked if I was planning on having kids soon. I told her that we were waiting for the right time, and, before I mentioned that my husband and I expected to start trying when we hit our 2 year anniversary (then at least 8 or 9 months away), my supervisor began sharing how much she loved having a younger Mom. She talked about how they’d play sports together and talk about dating, etc. Then she shared about a friend who had been trying with her husband for over 4 years to get pregnant. Though it wasn’t the first time I had heard of couples trying for a long time without success, it suddenly hit me that there was no guarantee that I’d be able to choose exactly when I could become a mother. The thought was sobering.

Moreover that conversation planted a seed. A month or two later, I started to have anxiety at bedtime when I was supposed to take my birth control pill. As I’ve mentioned here before, I actually had nights when I found it difficult to take the pill. While holding a pill in my right hand, I’d grasp that wrist with the left hand and bring the hand to my mouth. I finally approached my husband, who was genuinely surprised that I was the one instigating the baby conversation. After a few discussions and a little bit of prayer, however, I started my 3 month detox from the pill in preparation for a possible pregnancy. When the 3 months was up, the “chance” game started, and one month later I woke David up at 2:00 AM to show him a positive pregnancy test. He was very cute, by the way. I dragged him from our bed down the short hallway to the bathroom to show him the test. He leaned far forward (too sleepy to see straight?), stared for a second, stood back up and said, “Congratulations, Sweetie.” Then, after a millisecond kiss and a smile, he flopped himself back into bed for some more sleep.

And that’s how it started. Nine months and 65 pounds later, Sophie was here, and the world turned upside down - in a good way. She was gorgeous with fantastic hair that stood at least 2 inches tall. She slept, ate, struggled with nursing, tolerated me who struggled with nursing, welcomed the eventual bottles, cried a little, grew a lot, and brought a tremendous amount of hope and joy into our lives. Then, after another healthy but emotional pregnancy, Aidan arrived with a little more drama than his predecessor. Yet the scariest drama passed, and we suddenly had two tender little individuals in our home. Sophie doted on her new little man, and Aidan loved being doted on. They are special little friends, albeit occasionally antagonistic friends (aren’t we all sometimes?). Then, about 9 ½ months ago (after a scare to defy the others), another little spirit arrived into our lives, and David’s and my joy has reached an all time high so far while our confidence has tanked. That’s not to say that we’re not happy and grateful, but, as everyone says, three is hard. It’s especially challenging when you have an active social butterfly for an oldest child, an independent, easily overlooked middle child, and, well, a baby. I don’t think Ian’s more clingy or anxious than most babies. He’s pretty much a textbook baby. He’s just a baby, though, and his needs are more immediate. So other children have to wait a little longer. (Though we do seek balance at all times).

All of this is hard. It’s rewarding, yes. I really am having the time of my life. They are each so amazing to be with and deserve so much love. But it’s hard too. Sometimes I have a great attitude, but I often struggle with the chaos in the house, the challenges of meeting physical and emotional needs, concern about the future, and my own inadequacies. I’m pretty sure we’re done, and it’s a devastating feeling to have. I’ve heard that many people who eventually have 4 or more children really struggled when they hit #3. For them it was a threshold into the crazy life. Yet I believe we should stop here just after the threshold, and that hurts. I’m not at peace with that yet, but I really think I’d be fooling myself if I thought that I could be an effective mother of 4 children. I’m sure most of my friends and family agree with me, but that doesn’t really help to be honest. :) So we have a little bit of working through some emotions and finding answers ahead of us.

My purpose for this post, however, was not to hash up my conflicted emotions over whether or not to have more children (and whether I need to endure more of this ridiculous IUD that puts me at a hormonal disadvantage beyond my usual hormonal disadvantage). The purpose was to say that I love being a mother, and I’m so grateful to even be in this dilemma. When I think of the incredible women in my life who deserve to be mothers and are having to wait for one reason or another, I am humbled. I love being able to focus my energy on others. I love their little limbs. I love their brains and how quickly they absorb things. I love their simplicity and their complexity. I love seeing who they are becoming. I love having relationships with them, working for their trust, and working to retain it. I love being their biggest fan, coach, and listening ear. Sometimes I cry because of them. Sometimes I cry with them. I have said “I’m sorry” about 5 million times, and I expect to say it at least 50 million more times in coming years (though I’m determined to repent and keep the need to a minimum). I adore the hugs, and I have a hard time not laughing when I am yelled at (though I still cry at times). I love to make them laugh and to laugh with them. Finally, I love knowing that my life revolves around love - giving love, teaching love, learning love.

Back to that deathbed speech I mentioned an hour ago, when I ask myself, “Dianna, if you were on your deathbed, which choice would you most regret having given up?” Every time the answer is the same. I won’t have regrets. Motherhood is far greater than anything I’ve had to give up or postpone so far.

Here’s sending out love, prayers, and respect to all of the amazing and imperfect Moms and Moms-to-be whom I know. You are doing, have done, or will do the greatest, most important, most rewarding work in the world.

Or, as Captain Taggart would say, “Never give up! Never surrender!”


In the spirit of confession/commiseration, I thought I'd share that my afternoon as a mother was a bit lame at points. Sophie came home from school, and the walls came tumbling down. I'm not saying that it's her fault. I haven't been great at given her a steady routine (thanks to chronic fatigue, AKA having a baby), and she has gotten into the habit of being completely non-compliant and argumentative. I burst into tears about three times and felt pretty hopeless after a while. And only just a few hours after posting this optimistic, hopeful epistle! It's like going to the temple during a difficult time in your life. You feel so wonderful and hopeful inside, and then within an hour of returning home, non-temple life comes crashing back in. Gotta love it! Okay, Captain Taggart, I'll keep plugging along...

Idol Thoughts... The Top 12...uh, I mean 13

So I got really serious last week and was being one with my alter-ego, the Pensive Mormom, with my political, economy focused, anti-Hollywood rant - all of which I meant - and I will admit that I was a bit negative. Thanks for your patience!

It’s Idol time again! I’m just going to give my responses to the folk who performed tonight:

Lil Rounds – Fabulous!! She’s another Melinda Doolite, and I hope she goes far. Since she’s also a mother of three, which is really hard, I respect her all the more for her courage. Also she loves barbecue. Yummers!!

Scott MacIntyre (AKA Blind piano playing guy) – He’s fine, but here’s my beef with him. He’s not the only blind person who can sing and play the piano. A lot of blind people who are musicians are terrific piano players. They naturally have fantastic ears and learn that whole playing by feel thing quicker and better than many seeing people. So, as much as I totally appreciate and admire that he had the courage to audition, I expect him to be a better singer with such an ear. I’m not loving him, and he’s being given too much of a pass for being blind. He also has pretty lame taste in music. I’ve said this before, but people need to pick songs that we know and love, or we’ll get bored quickly.

Also, and I know this sounds terrible but I’ve got to say it, I don’t like watching him. The wandering, extremely wide eyes are distracting, and he’s not a handsome man. He needs a consultant or coach to get blunt and teach him how to close his eyes the way “Boccelli” does or do something else that doesn’t make difficult to watch. As I said, it sounds cold and harsh, but that’s the business folks.

Danny Gokey – He’s great. I was busy typing, so I missed his dancing (which Simon hated), but his vocals sounded great, and I think he made some great, fun vocal choices with his song. I hope people don’t forget how terrific he is.

Michael Sarver – He’s a sweetie, and he has good pipes, but I’m not jumping out of my seat. I love the song choice, though. (He picked “You Are Not Alone.”) I fear he may go home soon.

Jasmine Murray – She’s really pretty (runs in the family obviously – did you see her sister?!), but she’s a little raw for my taste. She needs more training. She oversings and crushes a lot of her big notes. I fear her days are numbered as well.

Kris Allen– He’s married??? I thought he was like 12 or something! Look, this boy seems really sweet and kind of a cutie, but I’m underwhelmed by his talent. I suspect he’s still safe, though, since a large percentage of voters are teenage girls. Simon might’ve been right, though, that they should’ve waited a little longer to mention that he’s married. Oops!! If he’s gone tomorrow night, we’ll know why.

Allison Iraheta – I have a big soft-spot for rockers. Maybe it’s because I’m completely incapable of pulling off “rocker.” But I love this girl. Her voice is rich and strong, and she doesn’t ever seem to hit a bad note. I really love her, actually, and she pulls the goofiest faces during comments, which I find terribly endearing. Yeah, she’s a favorite of mine.

Anoop Desai – Anoop, my friend, what on earth were you thinking when you chose “Beat It”? Big mistake, and not a very good performance. I fear that he’ll be gone next week, especially after Simon gave him the kiss of death (Ryan - “Do you regret making it a top 13?” Simon - “On the back of that, yes.”)

Jorge Nunez – Okay, Jorge is such a tender soul, but this was cheesy and old fashioned. I hope he comes back next week, but I didn’t enjoy the song or the performance. But isn’t he just such a sweetie??!! And the afro!! Isn’t it darling?

Megan Corkrey – She’s gorgeous, but “Rockin’ Robin”??? But her bio about how she adores her little boy makes me want to cry. I love my little boys too, and I’d be crying too. Actually, with her crazy style, the song really fit her. And the “caw caw” at the end is a riot!! And she’s gorgeous. And her bio makes me want to cry. I think she’s safe.

Adam Lambert – Sophie loves this guy. I’ve got to say that I kind of like him too even though everything I’ve seen him do has been flawed. I think he overdoes it. But…WOW, he’s got a crazy, cool, unique voice and he’s oozing with confidence on stage. I haven’t fallen in love with his work yet, but I really, really like this performer. I hope he gets consistently better and better. Besides, when Sophie likes someone, it helps if they’re a good performer. Last year, her man was David Archuleta. Hurray!! The year before? Sanjaya. Ugh!

Matt Giraud – I hope people don’t forget this guy. He’s terrific. The song is beautiful even if it wasn’t thrilling following Adam. But he deserves to stay for sure.

Alexis Grace – I have a few problems with Alexis. First, she is not any kind of role model for little girls. I don’t like the raunchy thing she’s doing with the ultra scanty outfits, etc. Second, she seems a little processed for me. She was a little more wholesome looking at her initial audition, but her sound was sassy. So the judges told her to “dirty it up” a little. Well, she did it. Can we say “Barbie doll?” Finally, David dated a girl named Alexis in high school, and I really do not like this person. Case closed.

You know, this first part was really boring. Haha!!! I was reading it to David, and it made me laugh how boring it must be to read a bunch of two line comments about a bunch of singers, especially if the reader doesn’t watch the show. Instead of editing it though (I need sleep anyway), I’ll leave it so you can laugh with me at what an enormous geek I am for making you listen to my play by play critiques.

Anyway, here’s the problem with Idol this year. There were too many people in the top group, and too much time has passed between our seeing each of them. Also, they have not been worked hard enough so far. I know their schedule is completely rigorous, and it’s amazing that they don’t all have laryngitis by the finale, but it’s also good for the performers to have to work hard and learn and perform new songs every week. They grow on us. I know it’ll get harder and harder, but I think those first 3 weeks make a difference in how much the TV audience loves/hates the performers. And again, there are too many of them. I mean, please judges!! I liked Anoop too, but you could’ve parted with him sooner. Or maybe Jasmine shouldn’t have gone on. But we practically ran out of time tonight with the comments and having too many performers to fit in. It’ll be interesting to see how this competition pans out in the next several weeks, but they have their work cut out to make themselves memorable.

And let’s be honest, last year was just thoroughly AWESOME. They have some seriously huge shoes to fill.