Years ago I started asking myself, whenever faced with a major decision, “Dianna, if you were on your deathbed, which choice would you most regret having given up?” I think the catalyst must’ve been my biological clock and deciding when to start having children. I married David with no intention of giving up on a career in acting for awhile. My goal at the time was to try to get an agent, establish myself in a modest career (ironic considering acting has little to do with modesty), and then start having children. At least then I’d have some connections set up for an occasional acting stint here and there. I had already lost interest in the idea of moving to a big city and trying to become a professional stage actress. I just thought that a little TV/film work or a play here and there would be a great goal (and difficult enough to pursue).
Then a strange series of events occurred. I was eating lunch with a work supervisor who, upon learning that I was 26, asked if I was planning on having kids soon. I told her that we were waiting for the right time, and, before I mentioned that my husband and I expected to start trying when we hit our 2 year anniversary (then at least 8 or 9 months away), my supervisor began sharing how much she loved having a younger Mom. She talked about how they’d play sports together and talk about dating, etc. Then she shared about a friend who had been trying with her husband for over 4 years to get pregnant. Though it wasn’t the first time I had heard of couples trying for a long time without success, it suddenly hit me that there was no guarantee that I’d be able to choose exactly when I could become a mother. The thought was sobering.
Moreover that conversation planted a seed. A month or two later, I started to have anxiety at bedtime when I was supposed to take my birth control pill. As I’ve mentioned here before, I actually had nights when I found it difficult to take the pill. While holding a pill in my right hand, I’d grasp that wrist with the left hand and bring the hand to my mouth. I finally approached my husband, who was genuinely surprised that I was the one instigating the baby conversation. After a few discussions and a little bit of prayer, however, I started my 3 month detox from the pill in preparation for a possible pregnancy. When the 3 months was up, the “chance” game started, and one month later I woke David up at 2:00 AM to show him a positive pregnancy test. He was very cute, by the way. I dragged him from our bed down the short hallway to the bathroom to show him the test. He leaned far forward (too sleepy to see straight?), stared for a second, stood back up and said, “Congratulations, Sweetie.” Then, after a millisecond kiss and a smile, he flopped himself back into bed for some more sleep.
And that’s how it started. Nine months and 65 pounds later, Sophie was here, and the world turned upside down - in a good way. She was gorgeous with fantastic hair that stood at least 2 inches tall. She slept, ate, struggled with nursing, tolerated me who struggled with nursing, welcomed the eventual bottles, cried a little, grew a lot, and brought a tremendous amount of hope and joy into our lives. Then, after another healthy but emotional pregnancy, Aidan arrived with a little more drama than his predecessor. Yet the scariest drama passed, and we suddenly had two tender little individuals in our home. Sophie doted on her new little man, and Aidan loved being doted on. They are special little friends, albeit occasionally antagonistic friends (aren’t we all sometimes?). Then, about 9 ½ months ago (after a scare to defy the others), another little spirit arrived into our lives, and David’s and my joy has reached an all time high so far while our confidence has tanked. That’s not to say that we’re not happy and grateful, but, as everyone says, three is hard. It’s especially challenging when you have an active social butterfly for an oldest child, an independent, easily overlooked middle child, and, well, a baby. I don’t think Ian’s more clingy or anxious than most babies. He’s pretty much a textbook baby. He’s just a baby, though, and his needs are more immediate. So other children have to wait a little longer. (Though we do seek balance at all times).
All of this is hard. It’s rewarding, yes. I really am having the time of my life. They are each so amazing to be with and deserve so much love. But it’s hard too. Sometimes I have a great attitude, but I often struggle with the chaos in the house, the challenges of meeting physical and emotional needs, concern about the future, and my own inadequacies. I’m pretty sure we’re done, and it’s a devastating feeling to have. I’ve heard that many people who eventually have 4 or more children really struggled when they hit #3. For them it was a threshold into the crazy life. Yet I believe we should stop here just after the threshold, and that hurts. I’m not at peace with that yet, but I really think I’d be fooling myself if I thought that I could be an effective mother of 4 children. I’m sure most of my friends and family agree with me, but that doesn’t really help to be honest. :) So we have a little bit of working through some emotions and finding answers ahead of us.
My purpose for this post, however, was not to hash up my conflicted emotions over whether or not to have more children (and whether I need to endure more of this ridiculous IUD that puts me at a hormonal disadvantage beyond my usual hormonal disadvantage). The purpose was to say that I love being a mother, and I’m so grateful to even be in this dilemma. When I think of the incredible women in my life who deserve to be mothers and are having to wait for one reason or another, I am humbled. I love being able to focus my energy on others. I love their little limbs. I love their brains and how quickly they absorb things. I love their simplicity and their complexity. I love seeing who they are becoming. I love having relationships with them, working for their trust, and working to retain it. I love being their biggest fan, coach, and listening ear. Sometimes I cry because of them. Sometimes I cry with them. I have said “I’m sorry” about 5 million times, and I expect to say it at least 50 million more times in coming years (though I’m determined to repent and keep the need to a minimum). I adore the hugs, and I have a hard time not laughing when I am yelled at (though I still cry at times). I love to make them laugh and to laugh with them. Finally, I love knowing that my life revolves around love - giving love, teaching love, learning love.
Back to that deathbed speech I mentioned an hour ago, when I ask myself, “Dianna, if you were on your deathbed, which choice would you most regret having given up?” Every time the answer is the same. I won’t have regrets. Motherhood is far greater than anything I’ve had to give up or postpone so far.
Here’s sending out love, prayers, and respect to all of the amazing and imperfect Moms and Moms-to-be whom I know. You are doing, have done, or will do the greatest, most important, most rewarding work in the world.
Or, as Captain Taggart would say, “Never give up! Never surrender!”
In the spirit of confession/commiseration, I thought I'd share that my afternoon as a mother was a bit lame at points. Sophie came home from school, and the walls came tumbling down. I'm not saying that it's her fault. I haven't been great at given her a steady routine (thanks to chronic fatigue, AKA having a baby), and she has gotten into the habit of being completely non-compliant and argumentative. I burst into tears about three times and felt pretty hopeless after a while. And only just a few hours after posting this optimistic, hopeful epistle! It's like going to the temple during a difficult time in your life. You feel so wonderful and hopeful inside, and then within an hour of returning home, non-temple life comes crashing back in. Gotta love it! Okay, Captain Taggart, I'll keep plugging along...
Friday, March 13, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Idol Thoughts... The Top 12...uh, I mean 13
So I got really serious last week and was being one with my alter-ego, the Pensive Mormom, with my political, economy focused, anti-Hollywood rant - all of which I meant - and I will admit that I was a bit negative. Thanks for your patience!
It’s Idol time again! I’m just going to give my responses to the folk who performed tonight:
Lil Rounds – Fabulous!! She’s another Melinda Doolite, and I hope she goes far. Since she’s also a mother of three, which is really hard, I respect her all the more for her courage. Also she loves barbecue. Yummers!!
Scott MacIntyre (AKA Blind piano playing guy) – He’s fine, but here’s my beef with him. He’s not the only blind person who can sing and play the piano. A lot of blind people who are musicians are terrific piano players. They naturally have fantastic ears and learn that whole playing by feel thing quicker and better than many seeing people. So, as much as I totally appreciate and admire that he had the courage to audition, I expect him to be a better singer with such an ear. I’m not loving him, and he’s being given too much of a pass for being blind. He also has pretty lame taste in music. I’ve said this before, but people need to pick songs that we know and love, or we’ll get bored quickly.
Also, and I know this sounds terrible but I’ve got to say it, I don’t like watching him. The wandering, extremely wide eyes are distracting, and he’s not a handsome man. He needs a consultant or coach to get blunt and teach him how to close his eyes the way “Boccelli” does or do something else that doesn’t make difficult to watch. As I said, it sounds cold and harsh, but that’s the business folks.
Danny Gokey – He’s great. I was busy typing, so I missed his dancing (which Simon hated), but his vocals sounded great, and I think he made some great, fun vocal choices with his song. I hope people don’t forget how terrific he is.
Michael Sarver – He’s a sweetie, and he has good pipes, but I’m not jumping out of my seat. I love the song choice, though. (He picked “You Are Not Alone.”) I fear he may go home soon.
Jasmine Murray – She’s really pretty (runs in the family obviously – did you see her sister?!), but she’s a little raw for my taste. She needs more training. She oversings and crushes a lot of her big notes. I fear her days are numbered as well.
Kris Allen– He’s married??? I thought he was like 12 or something! Look, this boy seems really sweet and kind of a cutie, but I’m underwhelmed by his talent. I suspect he’s still safe, though, since a large percentage of voters are teenage girls. Simon might’ve been right, though, that they should’ve waited a little longer to mention that he’s married. Oops!! If he’s gone tomorrow night, we’ll know why.
Allison Iraheta – I have a big soft-spot for rockers. Maybe it’s because I’m completely incapable of pulling off “rocker.” But I love this girl. Her voice is rich and strong, and she doesn’t ever seem to hit a bad note. I really love her, actually, and she pulls the goofiest faces during comments, which I find terribly endearing. Yeah, she’s a favorite of mine.
Anoop Desai – Anoop, my friend, what on earth were you thinking when you chose “Beat It”? Big mistake, and not a very good performance. I fear that he’ll be gone next week, especially after Simon gave him the kiss of death (Ryan - “Do you regret making it a top 13?” Simon - “On the back of that, yes.”)
Jorge Nunez – Okay, Jorge is such a tender soul, but this was cheesy and old fashioned. I hope he comes back next week, but I didn’t enjoy the song or the performance. But isn’t he just such a sweetie??!! And the afro!! Isn’t it darling?
Megan Corkrey – She’s gorgeous, but “Rockin’ Robin”??? But her bio about how she adores her little boy makes me want to cry. I love my little boys too, and I’d be crying too. Actually, with her crazy style, the song really fit her. And the “caw caw” at the end is a riot!! And she’s gorgeous. And her bio makes me want to cry. I think she’s safe.
Adam Lambert – Sophie loves this guy. I’ve got to say that I kind of like him too even though everything I’ve seen him do has been flawed. I think he overdoes it. But…WOW, he’s got a crazy, cool, unique voice and he’s oozing with confidence on stage. I haven’t fallen in love with his work yet, but I really, really like this performer. I hope he gets consistently better and better. Besides, when Sophie likes someone, it helps if they’re a good performer. Last year, her man was David Archuleta. Hurray!! The year before? Sanjaya. Ugh!
Matt Giraud – I hope people don’t forget this guy. He’s terrific. The song is beautiful even if it wasn’t thrilling following Adam. But he deserves to stay for sure.
Alexis Grace – I have a few problems with Alexis. First, she is not any kind of role model for little girls. I don’t like the raunchy thing she’s doing with the ultra scanty outfits, etc. Second, she seems a little processed for me. She was a little more wholesome looking at her initial audition, but her sound was sassy. So the judges told her to “dirty it up” a little. Well, she did it. Can we say “Barbie doll?” Finally, David dated a girl named Alexis in high school, and I really do not like this person. Case closed.
You know, this first part was really boring. Haha!!! I was reading it to David, and it made me laugh how boring it must be to read a bunch of two line comments about a bunch of singers, especially if the reader doesn’t watch the show. Instead of editing it though (I need sleep anyway), I’ll leave it so you can laugh with me at what an enormous geek I am for making you listen to my play by play critiques.
Anyway, here’s the problem with Idol this year. There were too many people in the top group, and too much time has passed between our seeing each of them. Also, they have not been worked hard enough so far. I know their schedule is completely rigorous, and it’s amazing that they don’t all have laryngitis by the finale, but it’s also good for the performers to have to work hard and learn and perform new songs every week. They grow on us. I know it’ll get harder and harder, but I think those first 3 weeks make a difference in how much the TV audience loves/hates the performers. And again, there are too many of them. I mean, please judges!! I liked Anoop too, but you could’ve parted with him sooner. Or maybe Jasmine shouldn’t have gone on. But we practically ran out of time tonight with the comments and having too many performers to fit in. It’ll be interesting to see how this competition pans out in the next several weeks, but they have their work cut out to make themselves memorable.
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