“You’ve changed…you’re different in the woods…”

For those who don’t recognize the words in the title, these are lyrics are from a musical called Into the Woods. This show had a powerful impact on my life as a teen, and I still see it was one of the greatest musicals ever. I imagine that I might judge it a little harder now, but even looking back, there are still great messages that I remember from the piece. One song, entitled “Children Will Listen”, includes the following:
“Careful the things you say.
Children will listen.
Careful the things you do.
Children will see and learn.
Children may not obey,
But children will listen.
Children will look to you for
Which way to turn,
To learn what to be.
Careful before you say, ‘Listen to me.’
Children will listen.”

Profound, isn’t it?

Anyway this post is not about Into the Woods, though I highly recommend the musical to anyone looking for a great show. Actually this post is about…me. Isn’t everything? Just joking, believe me. I’ve just found myself marveling lately, not necessarily with joy but definitely with wonder, about how much I’ve changed over the years. A lot of this awareness has to do with politics lately. You know, years ago I would’ve just been delighted to have an African-American president. In fact, all of my life I thought it would be really wonderful to have seen this country evolve so much that we’d elect a black man or woman President of the United States, based on their principles and abilities and not on their sex or race. A lot of people are still celebrating that we now have an African-American President. Except I’ve found myself so disappointed with President Obama so far that I could just cry. I didn’t vote for him, but I didn’t feel vehemently against him becoming President either. The truth is, I didn’t know very much about him. He was a great speaker, and he seemed pretty moderate and capable of working well with people from other parties. In the past several months, however, I’ve learned some things that have made me uncomfortable with him. In the past several weeks, I’ve seen things that have made me angry at him. I don’t like this man, and I actually wish he was a white man who wasn’t a brilliant orator so that people would start paying attention to his policies and holding him more accountable for his actions and those he supports.

But this wasn’t supposed to be about Barack Obama either. I don’t mean to offend people by bagging on someone you might admire. It’s just about how life can change our belief system so much. I can remember sitting in my high school Economics class and feeling favorably about Socialism compared to Capitalism. Socialism equaled compassionate society. Capitalism equaled cold, money-hungry society. Now despite the fact that we’re not rich or anything, I feel so strongly about supporting Capitalism. Granted, I do believe that there should be equal opportunity through making education and assistance available for those who need help getting to their feet, but Capitalism creates motivation to even stand. What a strange surprise to me that I feel this way now!

I used to love movies. Don’t get me wrong, I still do like them very much. I currently have a big thing for BBC movies adapted from classic literature. Oh I love them!! All the Jane Austens & Elizabeth Gaskells! I also love the Lord of the Rings films, etc. Okay, yes, I still love them. But I’ve become such a snob about how well a film is made and so sensitive to what kind of content is in a film that I rarely come away satisfied these days. David and I have been Netflix members for almost a month, and we’re canceling our membership this weekend. I don’t want to waste what precious little time I have with David watching some dumb movie every week and then being too tired to converse rationally afterward. And I have a big grudge against Hollywood right now, and I’m determined that watching fewer films is the only way I can protest.

And how about Hollywood? I used to admire so many actors and directors. I never missed the Oscars or the Tonys for anything. This year, however, I watched the Oscars for about ten minutes, and I was disgusted. The way the actors worshipped each other and the business they’re in was revolting. Sean Penn, despite being a very talented actor, gives me tics. My husband studied a book in college called Hollywood vs. America, in which Michael Medved pointed out how the ideologies of Hollywood are in direct conflict with the ideologies of mainstream America. Anti-religion, anti-Capitalism, anti-modesty, anti-chastity, etc. – that’s Hollywood for you. The Oscars was a perfect demonstration of that reality. As Penn accepted his Oscar for Best Actor, he called on Proposition 8 supporters to reflect with shame on their actions and expressed gratitude for having an eloquent President, and most of the crowd cheered along with him. Any conservative Republicans or believers in traditional marriage must’ve been quite uncomfortable. My yearning of younger days to be one of those beautiful, lucky, talented actors was dissolved in that moment (though it has waned over the past several years).

Where has all of this change come from? Life, I guess. I think I was such an incredibly selfish person when I was younger. All I thought about was myself – my appearance, whether or not I could act or sing well, whether I had friends or if people thought I was talented. Now I’m not saying that Democrats are selfish. I’m not saying that single people are all egocentric. I do think a lot of actors can be pretty ridiculous. Most of the people I know are pretty incredible people who are good friends and are thoughtful and considerate of others. But it took falling in love with David and becoming a wife and a mother to start realizing how my choices and attitudes affect others and how loving relationships are the source of life’s greatest joys. It also took seeing the joy of motherhood to appreciate how much less joy I might have found in being a professional actress and/or singer. It took having a family, serving as the CFO of our household, making some very painful financial mistakes, and looking toward our financial future to help me appreciate the benefits of capitalism – how hard work and ambition, financial discipline, and wise investment can empower you take control of your destiny and assist others to do the same.

All of that said, and to serve as an anti-nausea pill for those of you who probably think I’m being completely arrogant, I am fully aware of that fact that I have miles to go before I sleep. I still have a ridiculous temper. I complain too much. I’m anxious and obsessive compulsive. I still haven’t figured out the difference between insecurity and humility (except this – first one bad, second one good). I eat too much sugar, exercise too little, listen to too much talk radio, yell at my kids and husband too much, read too slowly, have a slight speech impediment, pray too infrequently, think I’m right all of the time when I’m often wrong, and cry when I’m tired instead of going to sleep (can we say – logic?). And that’s just the intro, but we all have things to do, and the full list would keep us from those things. Also, I must fully acknowledge that I could be completely wrong about politics, Hollywood, and money.

I guess the bottom line is I’ve changed. I’m pretty sure I’m not better than most other people. I at least hope that I’m better than my old self.