When I have a baby, the first thing I do is panic. The second thing I do is run to the books.
You see, even though this is my third baby, I really have no idea what I'm doing. I space my babies so far apart that I cannot, for the life of me, remember what we did before that made me enjoy having a baby enough to want another one again. I mean, they're cute and all, but when I'm short on rest, nutrition, and some semblance of a routine, I feel pretty much like I'm going crazy. So I need all the help I can get.
The problem with books is that a) many of them contradict each other, and b) some of the advice is extremely difficult to implement. Take the Baby Whisperer books (God bless her and may she rest peacefully!). Having a breastfed baby on a perfect 3 hour start to start routine, with your baby taking all sleep in his crib from day 1, taking a pacifier, etc., is so difficult. Breastmilk production changes throughout the day as mom gets more tired, some babies (mine, at least) have a very hard time moving back and forth from the pacifier to the breast (he hasn't really taken a binki or a bottle yet), and, somewhere around 2 weeks post-due date, my baby stopped staying asleep in the crib. The baby whisperer says, "It must be gas or reflux." Yes, you're probably right, but I don't think it's abnormal gas or reflux that would require medication. So I ask "What's the actual percentage of babies who start taking all sleep in the crib from day 1 and never stray from it?" I'm really curious.
Another Tracy Hogg (AKA Baby Whisperer) method is the "Shush-pat" method of soothing them to sleep under 3 months of age. I used it for 5 days, determined to get him to sleep without having to nurse him to sleep. He was about 1 week old when I started. After 5 days of having him cry on and off for 15 minutes while I put him down, with me hovering over him shushing and patting with my sore, aching 1 week post-partum body at least 4 or 5 times a day. I kept thinking, "How many more weeks will I have to do this?" I finally decided that I couldn't stand another day, let alone the months ahead. I went online and into the books again and searched to see when they'd "catch on" and not need quite as much soothing to sleep. The answer: When they're under 3 months, they really can't self-soothe. The meaning: I had better be okay shushing and patting for a number of more weeks, or I need to be okay with a different method. I returned the original "prop" of nursing him to sleep. My guilt waxed, but my sanity started to return.
Babywise had an interesting quote. It commented that it won't hurt your baby to cry for 15 or 20 minutes at a time. I totally agree that, if you're going crazy and you're trying to calm down and avoid shaking a baby, it's much better to leave them alone for a little while and let them cry if necessary. But the quote did not differentiate between a 2 week old baby and a 4 month old baby. I believe that a 4 month old would be fine if allow to cry, because they can learn to self-soothe. I'm back with the Baby Whisperer on Baby's inability to self-soothe. Hence, the 2 week old crying for so long is likely to have some problems. But, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong.
Then there's Dr. Weissbluth (my personal favorite). He talks a lot about the biology of a new baby, and, according to him, most babies enter a fussy phase at 2 weeks post due-date which peaks at 6 weeks and is usually completely gone by 12 weeks. An immature nervous system is acknowledged as one culprit. He also includes an article by a lactation consultant who points out the most newborns are gassy and have some reflux, and it usually clears up by about 12 weeks. So Weissbluth basically says, "Try to meet their needs for sucking and rocking and holding during that fussy phase. You can't spoil them. Also, my condolences, but life will be hardest between 4and 6 weeks, but should get progressively better after that. Do all you can to take care of yourself and get help from others."
Why do I favor Weissbluth? Because I HAVE TO!!! I clung to my Baby Whisperer book for the first week we had Ian home, and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown in no time. I tried to stick to her ideas, but I was so exhausted and terrified that I'd end up leaving David and the kids forever and join a rock band or something. It was awful.
I love routine. I love order, and I really do believe in a home where there is structure. The Baby Whisperer and Babywise make a lot of sense. The baby needs to learn to live in a family. They thrive when you guide their care. But, will someone please acknowledge that many babies have that fussy phase, or am I just crazy? Well, according to Weissbluth, I'm not crazy. But why is it that so few of the moms I know acknowledge that period of time? Did their baby not go through it? Did they not even try to structure the baby's life until they were 3 months old, so they didn't see any difference? Or have they forgotten.
By the way, I personally think it's a sin to forget how hard newborn life is. If a mother of a newborn asks, "Did you ever have problems with breastfeeding?", it's your responsibility to either say, "Actually, no, but I think I was kind of lucky that way," or you should immediately empathize with them. Authoritative advice should be left until after the commiseration. I left a Relief Society activity one night only to go home and cry my eyes out for over an hour, because I was gushing my frustrations over breastfeeding, and I got bit of advice but no empathy. Either nursing was easy for them, or they didn't feel like answering at all. (I decided that was the wrong time, place, and crowd to express my frustrations over something that makes me so emotional. It wasn't their fault.)
So I have to ask you: Did any of your babies have a stage at the beginning where they need to be held all of the time or took all of their sleep in a swing? Did any of your babies refuse a pacifier for a long time (or get way confused by one)? I really have to know. If your babies were "angels" who never hit those phases, then I am extremely jealous of you and will stare, green-eyed at you next time I see you. :)
But seriously, can anyone out there relate?
All of that said, he's so special. Here are some of the many faces of Ian Michael Graham, my little love (AKA "Little Chicken" or, sometimes to his Daddy, "Grumpy Chicken"):
Snuggling with Daddy! (I'm a little jealous of the short one, as I have very little snuggle time with Daddy).
He is adored by Sophie and Aidan, and I just know that he loves it, even when he gets fussy a second later.
I like to call this one on the left "Put Your Hands Up and Don't Make Any Sudden Movements"
I like when my babies sneeze. I don't feel quite the same when they hiccup.
"Yawn and stretch and try to come to life..." (though he looks like he's saluting someone)
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO handsome!!
I guess we can just tough out this hard period. He's worth it!
You see, even though this is my third baby, I really have no idea what I'm doing. I space my babies so far apart that I cannot, for the life of me, remember what we did before that made me enjoy having a baby enough to want another one again. I mean, they're cute and all, but when I'm short on rest, nutrition, and some semblance of a routine, I feel pretty much like I'm going crazy. So I need all the help I can get.
The problem with books is that a) many of them contradict each other, and b) some of the advice is extremely difficult to implement. Take the Baby Whisperer books (God bless her and may she rest peacefully!). Having a breastfed baby on a perfect 3 hour start to start routine, with your baby taking all sleep in his crib from day 1, taking a pacifier, etc., is so difficult. Breastmilk production changes throughout the day as mom gets more tired, some babies (mine, at least) have a very hard time moving back and forth from the pacifier to the breast (he hasn't really taken a binki or a bottle yet), and, somewhere around 2 weeks post-due date, my baby stopped staying asleep in the crib. The baby whisperer says, "It must be gas or reflux." Yes, you're probably right, but I don't think it's abnormal gas or reflux that would require medication. So I ask "What's the actual percentage of babies who start taking all sleep in the crib from day 1 and never stray from it?" I'm really curious.
Another Tracy Hogg (AKA Baby Whisperer) method is the "Shush-pat" method of soothing them to sleep under 3 months of age. I used it for 5 days, determined to get him to sleep without having to nurse him to sleep. He was about 1 week old when I started. After 5 days of having him cry on and off for 15 minutes while I put him down, with me hovering over him shushing and patting with my sore, aching 1 week post-partum body at least 4 or 5 times a day. I kept thinking, "How many more weeks will I have to do this?" I finally decided that I couldn't stand another day, let alone the months ahead. I went online and into the books again and searched to see when they'd "catch on" and not need quite as much soothing to sleep. The answer: When they're under 3 months, they really can't self-soothe. The meaning: I had better be okay shushing and patting for a number of more weeks, or I need to be okay with a different method. I returned the original "prop" of nursing him to sleep. My guilt waxed, but my sanity started to return.
Babywise had an interesting quote. It commented that it won't hurt your baby to cry for 15 or 20 minutes at a time. I totally agree that, if you're going crazy and you're trying to calm down and avoid shaking a baby, it's much better to leave them alone for a little while and let them cry if necessary. But the quote did not differentiate between a 2 week old baby and a 4 month old baby. I believe that a 4 month old would be fine if allow to cry, because they can learn to self-soothe. I'm back with the Baby Whisperer on Baby's inability to self-soothe. Hence, the 2 week old crying for so long is likely to have some problems. But, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong.
Then there's Dr. Weissbluth (my personal favorite). He talks a lot about the biology of a new baby, and, according to him, most babies enter a fussy phase at 2 weeks post due-date which peaks at 6 weeks and is usually completely gone by 12 weeks. An immature nervous system is acknowledged as one culprit. He also includes an article by a lactation consultant who points out the most newborns are gassy and have some reflux, and it usually clears up by about 12 weeks. So Weissbluth basically says, "Try to meet their needs for sucking and rocking and holding during that fussy phase. You can't spoil them. Also, my condolences, but life will be hardest between 4and 6 weeks, but should get progressively better after that. Do all you can to take care of yourself and get help from others."
Why do I favor Weissbluth? Because I HAVE TO!!! I clung to my Baby Whisperer book for the first week we had Ian home, and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown in no time. I tried to stick to her ideas, but I was so exhausted and terrified that I'd end up leaving David and the kids forever and join a rock band or something. It was awful.
I love routine. I love order, and I really do believe in a home where there is structure. The Baby Whisperer and Babywise make a lot of sense. The baby needs to learn to live in a family. They thrive when you guide their care. But, will someone please acknowledge that many babies have that fussy phase, or am I just crazy? Well, according to Weissbluth, I'm not crazy. But why is it that so few of the moms I know acknowledge that period of time? Did their baby not go through it? Did they not even try to structure the baby's life until they were 3 months old, so they didn't see any difference? Or have they forgotten.
By the way, I personally think it's a sin to forget how hard newborn life is. If a mother of a newborn asks, "Did you ever have problems with breastfeeding?", it's your responsibility to either say, "Actually, no, but I think I was kind of lucky that way," or you should immediately empathize with them. Authoritative advice should be left until after the commiseration. I left a Relief Society activity one night only to go home and cry my eyes out for over an hour, because I was gushing my frustrations over breastfeeding, and I got bit of advice but no empathy. Either nursing was easy for them, or they didn't feel like answering at all. (I decided that was the wrong time, place, and crowd to express my frustrations over something that makes me so emotional. It wasn't their fault.)
So I have to ask you: Did any of your babies have a stage at the beginning where they need to be held all of the time or took all of their sleep in a swing? Did any of your babies refuse a pacifier for a long time (or get way confused by one)? I really have to know. If your babies were "angels" who never hit those phases, then I am extremely jealous of you and will stare, green-eyed at you next time I see you. :)
But seriously, can anyone out there relate?
All of that said, he's so special. Here are some of the many faces of Ian Michael Graham, my little love (AKA "Little Chicken" or, sometimes to his Daddy, "Grumpy Chicken"):
Snuggling with Daddy! (I'm a little jealous of the short one, as I have very little snuggle time with Daddy).
He is adored by Sophie and Aidan, and I just know that he loves it, even when he gets fussy a second later.
I like to call this one on the left "Put Your Hands Up and Don't Make Any Sudden Movements"
I like when my babies sneeze. I don't feel quite the same when they hiccup.
"Yawn and stretch and try to come to life..." (though he looks like he's saluting someone)
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO handsome!!I guess we can just tough out this hard period. He's worth it!
6 comments:
If it's any consolation...colic or whatever was a big problem with Christina. I had to use the swing to get her to sleep many (many!) times and we often let her sleep in the swing so as not to disturb her. You got on schedule quicker. I never questioned why, but just figured every baby is different.
And by the way...he is one GORGEOUS baby! What magnificent features!
I don't remember. It all seems like a haze caused by sleep deprivation and crazy hormones :) I seem to remember that my babies liked to be held A LOT in the first few weeks, but my mum has been visiting with each of my babies and so has taken some of the 'holding' time so it hasn't seemed so bad. You know it'll get easier soon!
Oh Diana! I just need to tell you - you are a fabulous mother! For 3 days I have gone back and forth on what I should write and it comes to this, I'll call you tomorrow! :) I like talking to you in person better anyhow.
Catherine S.
I can offer zero advice but loads of 'listening ear'. Your kiddos are so beautiful, just like you. (David too, but I didn't think he would appreciate being called beautiful)
Love you.
YOu are doing great, I think we forget to honor this phase of motherhood, having children who are honor students, or dancers or athletes etc is a great thing, but they are only able to be what they are because we survived their infancy!!!! Ella didn't fall asleep on her own for 18 months, I don't recommend it, I just lived it.
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