Two crazy, eventful weeks...

Well, first, the good news: We're having another girl!! Isn't that fun?! Sophie was a delightful baby, and we're sure her baby sister will be just as lovely and fun. Just as a hint at how she might look (if she's anything like her big sister - and so far the kids tend to look very similar), here's an old favorite of mine:



Isn't that tender?

Anyway, the ultrasound also showed a healthy looking heart, brain, spine, etc. (in as much as they could tell). We always get very anxious about the baby until the movements become consistent and until we've had the ultrasound. We feel very blessed that she looks well so far. We hope she'll continue on that way. We have a few thoughts on names, but we're open to any suggestions.

On the day following the ultrasound and the exciting news, however, we had a day full of stress and sadness. Our little Ian broke his leg. I know, it's terrible, and I was very humbled in knowing that I wasn't watching him better. He was playing in the kitchen and sitting backwards in one of the dining room chairs with his legs through the space in the bottom. The chair then fell back and pinned his legs. I was upstairs gathering laundry, distracted by something stressful and taking too long to gather things, when I heard the crash. I knew from his cry, the position of his legs, and the look on his face that I'd blown it. We got him in to his doctor who referred him for an x-ray at the hospital. It wasn't a terrible fracture (as if any fracture in the leg of a 15 3/4 month old is anything but terrible). It was a small "buckle" in his right tibia. Dr. Zollo got him into a splint that day, and we were scheduled to see an orthopedic doctor a week later to get a cast, which he'd probably wear for 6 weeks. The good news, to our surprise, was that the doctor took a good look at the x-ray of the fracture, examined the great splint Dr. Z had done for him, and determined that 3 weeks should be sufficient time for the fracture to heal. He also felt that the splint was good enough that a cast would be unnecessary. So we are scheduled to come back next Thursday, October 15th, and Dr. Schow will x-ray Ian's leg to see if it has healed. He hopes that Ian will be well enough to be without the splint from then on. We all hope so. Ian has done very well considering, but he misses his freedom (as he daily demonstrates by walking around on his splinted leg - Dr. Schow said this is okay). We miss his skinny right leg and being able to bathe him without plastic bags over his leg. (And Ian tends to have a number of messy diapers a day, and frequent rinsing/bathing usually helps...)

I guess that's what has gotten most of our attention these past couple of weeks. It has been humbling. We are blessed, and Ian's broken leg was a wake up call that I often allow myself to get distracted from what's most important and focus on less important matters. We/I can just count our blessings that his injury wasn't worse.

On a lighter note, I read a fabulous book called The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. If you find European culture and history interesting, and if you like vampire novels, you might really enjoy this one. The writing is fantastic, and the storyline is told in such a creative, fascinating way. And, no offense to Twilight fans, this book is no Twilight. This book eats Stephanie Meyers and her whole series for breakfast - no joke. Bram Stoker's Dracula (which is mentioned repeatedly in this book), while being clever and fun and a novelty for its time, is a snack next to this one. The Historian is just over 900 pages long of relatively fine print, and I'm not the quickest reader I know. So it took me about 9 days to get through it, but I LOVED it. It's definitely a new favorite of mine, and I expect to read it many times more. If you ever read it, I'd love to hear what you think of it.

Lastly, I finally made a start on my speed-reading class this week, and I'm hopeful it will help. I'm very interested in getting a masters degree someday, and I think I'll need to be a better reader if I'm to prepare for the G-SAT, etc. My only complaint is that I'm supposed to do much of the next assignment sitting at a table or desk with both feet on the floor, finger tracing while reading at least 30 minutes a day for 5 consecutive days. I never read sitting at a table. It's always in my bed, and frankly I'm pretty pooped in the evening (which is the only time I'll be able to commit to the course). But I must finish the course before the holidays hit in full swing, or I'll be in big trouble with BYU Independent Study. Well, either that or I'll have lost $40 and won't be any faster a reader. Either way, I need to get cracking!!

Oh Autumn, where are thou?

This post won't really be about my looking forward to Autumn (though, really Autumn, what's taking you so long?!), but it seemed as good a title as any. Actually, I'll just give a little update and maybe emote a little.

So we are now 19 weeks along, and this baby's movement is subdued so far. Am I expecting too much? I don't know. I've just heard too many miscarriage stories lately (really bad ones where the mom had to be induced to deliver a 20 week stillborn), I have some terrific friends who are unable to have babies, and as usual there is a part of me that expects something to go wrong. Still, we'll keep praying, doing our check-ups, and then it's just trust. And faith.

On the home front, we have had to spend exorbitant amounts of money in the last few weeks, and it has been ouchy. I shouldn't complain. We're fine. But on a week when we were expecting the fencing guys to start demolishing our old fence and some of the pillars (an expensive enough job), our water heater died. It was gross and wet (the carpet has the stains to remind us). We had it replaced on that Monday, only to discover that our garage door had finally really cracked and would no longer close. That was replaced on Wednesday. Ironically, the fence demolitioners/installers had truck issues that week and did not start until the following week. The demo-ing and replacing took about a week and a half, with a few absent days there where we wondered where the heck our guys were. It was finally finished sometime last week, and it looks pretty good. There were a few things that needed/need retouching, and now we will see how soon everything is fully resolved and the final bill is tallied. This has been interesting. David and I really don't know what the customer service standard typically is for this kind of work, but this job has been lame. My favorite bit of lameness is when, on the final day of installation, the younger installer (without consulting with his superior, I believe) found a hole in a slat and messily patched it up. When we saw the "patch" and had no idea what it was, it was among a few things David insisted on discussing with the installer. He came, saw the patch, repatched it before telling David, and offered a $25 discount on the job. Now, friends, while we do not want to unnecessarily chuck our money away, when we are already spending $7300 on a job (no joke - this one has been a searing fortune), saving $25 for accepting an ugly patch-job on a brand new fence didn't seem to make sense. David and I kept thinking how much more intelligent and cost effective it would've been to discuss this "patch it or replace it" issue BEFORE they "finished" the job, and we could have said, "No, we ordered a brand new fence, please get us a whole slat,". Give me a break!!! So we are still a work in progress with the fence.

By the way, I love my husband. He was respectful but firm, and though we're happy to have the old fence gone and be near the end, I will not be recommending All-American Vinyl to anyone soon. (So tell your friends!!!)

I read a disturbing book last week which I want to unrecommend to friends. It's called Year of Wonders. It's about a village hit by the plague. It's gruesome, depressing, and then at the end the main characters behave completely contrary to their own natures. Beware friends!!!

There's really not much else to tell. Sophie is loving 2nd grade, Aidan is loving preschool, and Ian is ridiculously adorable and yet driving me slightly mad. He gets into absolutely everything, and the poor dude has like 3 or 4 messy diapers a day. What a tragedy to be someone so bad-smelling!!

And I'm still me. Last night a friend and I had a wonderful chance to attend a workshop at the Orem "Best in Music" with Don Ripplinger. I haven't done a lot of workshops, so I was a little surprised when it was just him introducing us to great choral music which we sight-sang for an hour. My voice was tired at the end of the night, but my heart was full and I found myself misty, yet humbled about my relationship with music. It has blessed my life and I hope to continue to still grow as a musician. But music is a truly enormous beast, and none of us will conquer it entirely in our lifetimes (I won't even come 1/1,000,000,000th of the way in mine), and for some reason that made me melancholy last night. I reminisced with David about a few years ago when I saw Delora Zijack, one of the world's premiere mezzo-sopranos in opera, and how I pretty much wept every time she opened her mouth. She was so amazing - flawless voice and technique. I thought, "This is what someone can become if they marry themselves to the music!!" It was a mixed bag of emotions. I felt similarly about my wonderful experience of performing with Jennifer Welch-Babbidge, who is now local and focusing mostly on her family, but who at one time was a regular principle at the New York Metropolitan Opera. Wow! She is also amazing - glorious soprano and a set of lungs that puts me in my place! (And really, my lungs have been good to me so far...) It's all so amazing.

And yet, I don't regret the course I've taken and am on. I just sat there having a little moment of pregnancy melancholy when I thought of the music I need to learn, the piano skills I need to obtain, the plays I need to read, the languages and history I ache to study, etc. Shorthand, speed-reading, cooking, fitness, liguistics, theatre, music, literature, history - I want to tackle it all!!! And then there are the Mommying skills I want learn better - time/home management, sewing, food-storage, etc. And most importantly, the personal skills I need desperately to work on - like praying more, talking less and listening more, being a supportive wife and mother, and being a better friend. Wow!!!

Okay, no depression. Really, I'm good. After a few tears last night and a talk with David ("I'm going to cry. Could you hold me for a minute?"), I dragged myself upstairs, read the scriptures on my Palm lying down (still pretty darn queasy at bedtime), and then wasted 20 minutes surfing the net where I stumbled on a really lame website by and for bitter ex-mormons. These folk were pretty miserable, and I thought to myself, "I really don't have much to be depressed about." We're good.

Happy Birthday Toby,..uh, I mean David

My hottie husband turned 33 this week. He's so cute, and is currently only a year younger than me right now. In October, he'll be two years younger again. Actually, it's a 22 1/2 month gap, but when we married in September of 1999, David only had to admit to being a year younger than his wife.

So last year, a few of us had a Wordgirl theme at Halloween. I was Wordgirl, Ian was Captain Huggyface, and David was Toby - my favorite of all Wordgirl villians - a 9-11 year old evil genius who likes to speak with a British accent and create havoc with his homemade robots, fears only the wrath of his ear-tugging mother, and has a not-so-secret crush on Wordgirl.

A coworker of his took a couple of pictures of us, but we've yet to get save-able copies of them, or I'd have posted a photo a long time ago. She does, however, still have them saved, as the following was posted all over David's place of work on his birthday.



Isn't that cute?! You know, even as a bow-tie wearing, evil genius, he's still pretty good looking. Happy Birthday, you Hottie!!

Supporting Family

My sister is in pain. She just had major surgery, and when I called her the following day, she was alone and in pain. I wished I could do something to help, and I slightly regretted not having gone out to Ohio to help out. When I called today, she was doing a little better, but it has been a rough day. The main reason things should be better are because she called out for help and made sure someone was with her, making sure her monitors were working properly, making sure she got her pain medication on time, etc. What a relief, and yet it's not over. But I'm so glad that she has our mom at her side today. When I asked if it was helping, Christina said, "Mom's great at making sure I'm not forgotten." Go Mom!!! I love you!

It made me think of this film clip. It makes me laugh and cry at the same time, and I know that if it came to this, my mother would do nothing short of it.

An explanation and consolation for being away so long...

So I'm now 7 1/2 weeks pregnant. I know that many wait until they are at least 12 weeks before they go public, but I am too wimpy and want people to know why I'm looking a little green in the face and gaining at least 2 pounds per week due to the constant snacking I do to preempt against vomiting. It's a drag, though I'm excited and grateful to be expecting. I believe this is our last. To those of you who have or want 5 or more, you are my hero. I think we'll just hold tight, pray for a healthy little bundle of joy, and call it good.

All of that established, I wanted to share this extremely lovely video that was forwarded to me. If you like Twilight but like women and healthy relationships more, you'll like this.



I also enjoyed this one too, though it's a bit older news.



Anyway, there is no point to this, except to make you laugh. I need that.

Idol Thought: My Response to the Results

For starters, I appreciated the comments I received for the last post. It's so fun to hear your thoughts.

This may surprise people considering the last post, but I was actually pretty pleased that Kris won despite my respect for Adam. The thing about American Idol that I love/hate is that we're not just watching the contest, but we choose the winner. Adam is an artist's performer, and his talent is to be admired. But I think a majority of viewers want a winner who doesn't make them a little uncomfortable every time they watch him. Adam just came on a little too strong for a lot of people. That's why Danny and Kris were there so close to the end - they made audiences feel more comfortable (except when Danny was screaming the end of "Dream On." Oh what a riot!!). I believe that's why Kris won. I don't know, just a theory. I'm always happy when the winner is not necessarily the artist that the judges are trying to cram down our throats. It's not their decision, it's the viewers' decision.

In truth, I really think that Kris did great in the finale too. His first song was terrific, his version of "What's Going On" was hot and totally under-appreciated by the judges (what else was he supposed to do with the song - belt it out at the top of his lungs or something?), and he sounded better on Kara's lame original song than Adam despite it being on the high side for him. I love what a versatile musician he is. Like many, I wonder if he'll be much of a success, but if his own songs are as good as his covers of other songs, then he'll be great.

Last year, David Archuleta was unquestionably the more gifted vocalist of the two Davids, but Cook was the better performer overall. I think this situation was similar, except that while Archuleta is a flawless singer, Adam Lambert is UNBELIEVABLE. Yeah, I know I probably sound hypocritical - love his singing, but glad he didn't win. Yes, I'm in awe of his voice, and I think he is such a unique talent. I would rather listen to him or see him in a musical, though, than watch him in concert. Unless Queen wanted to have a big comeback - then Adam would be the perfect lead singer for them. Just saying.

I only hope that next year is better organized. I want to have those extra two weeks to fall in love with the singers. The whole top 36 thing with 12 at a time in the beginning was Bogus. Some people have a few kinks to work out from this year...

Idol Thought: Upcoming 2009 Finale

I know that it has been a long time since I’ve blogged on American Idol. It has been a busy time lately, but I’ve been watching and enjoying as usual. Tonight the two finalists were announced, and I’m still digesting the result. Instead of the expected face off between Adam Lambert and Danny Gokey, it’ll be Lambert versus Kris Allen. Wow! But such is the way with American Idol. Two seasons ago, the amazing Melinda Doolittle did not make it to the finale, and Jordan Sparks ended up smoking poor Blake Lewis (who I loved but did not expect to win). Chris Daughtry didn’t make the finale either three years ago, and he has since made huge success for himself. But, I digress…

Though the talent was a little less thrilling this year than last year, there were some terrific people with some great voices. The biggest revelation in talent this year was definitely Adam Lambert. Okay, I talked about Adam in the past, and my feelings are still the same. He has unbelievable pipes. I don’t think that there has been a more unique and impressive vocalist in this competition – period. I mean, really. This guy has an amazing range, from a solid tenor all the way up to soprano. Heck, he’s practically a contralto (as high as a man can go, and it usually required castration to achieve that). His technique is practically perfect and his control, when he chooses to use it, is out of this world. If you need proof, listen to the following YouTube recording. It’s amazing. (Skip to the last minute if you’re short on time.)


One night after a show I said, “Man, what can’t the guy sing? Well…other than bass (very low).”

Adam would make the late Freddy Mercury, the lead singer of Queen, humble. In this video of Mercury, notice the similar energy and charisma (which some might find creepy), and yet Mercury doesn’t appear to have the vocal stamina to nail the high notes written into the end of the song. Lambert would probably have a more resilient voice with that amazing technique.



Here’s the problem with Adam, though. Like Mercury, he has amazing range, energy, and showmanship; but Mercury was completely over the top. The same can be said for Adam. I don’t really like his vocal styling. With most of his songs, he would start the song with comfortable, smooth vocals, and then halfway through he’d go wild with riffs and rock screams. Vocalists and musicians are saying “wow,” but many audience members are saying “enough already!” I’ve been blown away with the judges, but I also think that watching Adam has been like going to the opera. You might not love what you hear, but it’s pretty amazing that they can do it.

As for Kris, I think he’s great. He has a nice voice and has given some really solid, moving performances. He’s well rounded, playing both the piano and the guitar (though the guitar is his stronger instrument), and he is smart with this song picks. He stays true to his own flavor at all times. He wasn’t one of the strongest vocalists, to be honest. He has had a few bum notes here and there, and yet you can’t help but love him. He has almost a Brooke White factor – multi-talented, extremely likeable, modest appearance, yet attractive, married with a cute spouse, humble, etc. I imagine that even those who didn’t vote him into the finals must have a hard time not cheering for such an underdog.

What can I say about Danny Gokey? We’ll miss him. He might not have had the charisma that many previous Idol winners have had, but he had a terrific, strong, sexy voice and a whole lot of soul. He seemed genuinely grateful for the success he had, and he had that Oprah factor that I previously mentioned (a recent widower – how could you not get attached to this guy?). I really had hoped he’d win. Even now, I hope he has a good career in music on some level. He’s talented and seems like such a good person. Here's an ironic embed:



So it’s now up to the voters to decide who will win the finale, and to be honest, I think Kris will be the upset. Despite Danny’s more impressive vocals, Kris still got more votes than him. This guy has devoted fans. We don’t know who had the most votes. We could assume it was Adam, because the judges go ballistic every week over his voice, but for all we know, Kris might’ve been the one with a million votes more. Also, the chances of a majority of Danny Gokey fans switching their vote to Adam Lambert are pretty slim. So, unless Gokey fans are bitter and decide to stick it to Kris by voting for Adam, next week’s new Idol will likely be Kris Allen. BUT, we’ll just have to wait and see about that, won’t we?

A Little Lesson in Horticulture

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook profile a few weeks ago, and it is now a favorite of mine. Incidentally, I've loved Christopher Walken for most of my life. I think it's because he reminded me of my father, though
my father is much more handsome.




This is my dad with Sophie when she was just 11 months. Now that is a good looking man. I can't really speak for his gardening abilities though.

Do I Know My Spouse?

A friend had these questions on her blog, so I tagged myself and am doing it now for your reading enjoyment. You might enjoy my answers, but if you have a spouse you'll likely be skimming and thinking of your own answers. I'll take no offense. Do it!!!

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
I Said: World of Goo on Wii
He Said: Just a movie

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
I Said: Italian
He Said: Italian or some kind of vinaigrette

3. What's one food he doesn't like?
I Said: cilantro or any kind of sausage (excluding pepperoni)
He Said: "Quaker" (some awful oatmeal drink from his mission), olives, or really raw meat (He said my answers are better though).

4. You go out to eat and have a drink. His drink would be?
I Said: Any peach or mango frozen drink
He Said: "If we're splurging, then if there's some mango drink, I'd enjoy it...or some fruit like peach..."

5. Where did he go to high school?
I Said: Junior and Senior year - Timpview High; before that - ??
He Said: Freshman and Sophomore and most of Junior - North High in Riverside; then Timpview

6. What size shoe does he wear?
I Said: 10 1/2
He Said: 10 or 10 1/2

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
I Said: mp3's or movies
He Said: DVD's, music

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
I Said: Club sandwich w/bacon added
He Said: "Subway club is what I get at Subway"

9. What would he eat every day if he could?
I Said: something with mushrooms or chicken piccatta
He Said: crab (I missed that, but he's right - it's crab)

10. What is his favorite cereal?
I Said: Cinnamon Life or some fruity grown up cereal
He Said: "Do I have a category of non-treat cereal?" - actually Honey Bunches of Oats w/Peaches

11. What would he never wear?
I Said: a yellow shirt
He Said: an earring (good answer, David)

12. What is his favorite sports team?
I Said: LA Lakers (when he was a kid), though he doesn't watch sports these days
He Said: don't have one

13. Who did he vote for?
I Said: John McCain, but he was really uncertain (Democrat in the blood, you know...)
He Said: John McCain

14. Who is his best friend?
I Said: me :)
He Said: "you, of course"

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?
I Said: freak out
He Said: "Be hard on yourself, be sad, and stay up too late"

16. What is his Heritage?
I Said: English, Scottish, Swedish, all things Slavic
He Said: "Mixed European - English, Scottish, Danish" "Anything else?" "I'm sure."

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?
I Said: Black Forest or something close to a treat he had in Switzerland
He Said: "It definitely has whipped cream frosting...maybe a black forest kind of a thing. Something with fruit in it."

18. Did he play sports in high school?
I Said: No
He Said: Nope

19. What could he spend hours doing?
I Said: playing Wii with Aidan and being with family
He Said: "sleeping or vegging or playing Wii with my kids...or staying up late and working"

20. What is one thing you appreciate about him?
How much time to you do have? Well, one thing? His enduring love for me. (Believe me, he is enduring...)

Okay, your turn friends!! Go!

Loving Motherhood

Years ago I started asking myself, whenever faced with a major decision, “Dianna, if you were on your deathbed, which choice would you most regret having given up?” I think the catalyst must’ve been my biological clock and deciding when to start having children. I married David with no intention of giving up on a career in acting for awhile. My goal at the time was to try to get an agent, establish myself in a modest career (ironic considering acting has little to do with modesty), and then start having children. At least then I’d have some connections set up for an occasional acting stint here and there. I had already lost interest in the idea of moving to a big city and trying to become a professional stage actress. I just thought that a little TV/film work or a play here and there would be a great goal (and difficult enough to pursue).

Then a strange series of events occurred. I was eating lunch with a work supervisor who, upon learning that I was 26, asked if I was planning on having kids soon. I told her that we were waiting for the right time, and, before I mentioned that my husband and I expected to start trying when we hit our 2 year anniversary (then at least 8 or 9 months away), my supervisor began sharing how much she loved having a younger Mom. She talked about how they’d play sports together and talk about dating, etc. Then she shared about a friend who had been trying with her husband for over 4 years to get pregnant. Though it wasn’t the first time I had heard of couples trying for a long time without success, it suddenly hit me that there was no guarantee that I’d be able to choose exactly when I could become a mother. The thought was sobering.

Moreover that conversation planted a seed. A month or two later, I started to have anxiety at bedtime when I was supposed to take my birth control pill. As I’ve mentioned here before, I actually had nights when I found it difficult to take the pill. While holding a pill in my right hand, I’d grasp that wrist with the left hand and bring the hand to my mouth. I finally approached my husband, who was genuinely surprised that I was the one instigating the baby conversation. After a few discussions and a little bit of prayer, however, I started my 3 month detox from the pill in preparation for a possible pregnancy. When the 3 months was up, the “chance” game started, and one month later I woke David up at 2:00 AM to show him a positive pregnancy test. He was very cute, by the way. I dragged him from our bed down the short hallway to the bathroom to show him the test. He leaned far forward (too sleepy to see straight?), stared for a second, stood back up and said, “Congratulations, Sweetie.” Then, after a millisecond kiss and a smile, he flopped himself back into bed for some more sleep.

And that’s how it started. Nine months and 65 pounds later, Sophie was here, and the world turned upside down - in a good way. She was gorgeous with fantastic hair that stood at least 2 inches tall. She slept, ate, struggled with nursing, tolerated me who struggled with nursing, welcomed the eventual bottles, cried a little, grew a lot, and brought a tremendous amount of hope and joy into our lives. Then, after another healthy but emotional pregnancy, Aidan arrived with a little more drama than his predecessor. Yet the scariest drama passed, and we suddenly had two tender little individuals in our home. Sophie doted on her new little man, and Aidan loved being doted on. They are special little friends, albeit occasionally antagonistic friends (aren’t we all sometimes?). Then, about 9 ½ months ago (after a scare to defy the others), another little spirit arrived into our lives, and David’s and my joy has reached an all time high so far while our confidence has tanked. That’s not to say that we’re not happy and grateful, but, as everyone says, three is hard. It’s especially challenging when you have an active social butterfly for an oldest child, an independent, easily overlooked middle child, and, well, a baby. I don’t think Ian’s more clingy or anxious than most babies. He’s pretty much a textbook baby. He’s just a baby, though, and his needs are more immediate. So other children have to wait a little longer. (Though we do seek balance at all times).

All of this is hard. It’s rewarding, yes. I really am having the time of my life. They are each so amazing to be with and deserve so much love. But it’s hard too. Sometimes I have a great attitude, but I often struggle with the chaos in the house, the challenges of meeting physical and emotional needs, concern about the future, and my own inadequacies. I’m pretty sure we’re done, and it’s a devastating feeling to have. I’ve heard that many people who eventually have 4 or more children really struggled when they hit #3. For them it was a threshold into the crazy life. Yet I believe we should stop here just after the threshold, and that hurts. I’m not at peace with that yet, but I really think I’d be fooling myself if I thought that I could be an effective mother of 4 children. I’m sure most of my friends and family agree with me, but that doesn’t really help to be honest. :) So we have a little bit of working through some emotions and finding answers ahead of us.

My purpose for this post, however, was not to hash up my conflicted emotions over whether or not to have more children (and whether I need to endure more of this ridiculous IUD that puts me at a hormonal disadvantage beyond my usual hormonal disadvantage). The purpose was to say that I love being a mother, and I’m so grateful to even be in this dilemma. When I think of the incredible women in my life who deserve to be mothers and are having to wait for one reason or another, I am humbled. I love being able to focus my energy on others. I love their little limbs. I love their brains and how quickly they absorb things. I love their simplicity and their complexity. I love seeing who they are becoming. I love having relationships with them, working for their trust, and working to retain it. I love being their biggest fan, coach, and listening ear. Sometimes I cry because of them. Sometimes I cry with them. I have said “I’m sorry” about 5 million times, and I expect to say it at least 50 million more times in coming years (though I’m determined to repent and keep the need to a minimum). I adore the hugs, and I have a hard time not laughing when I am yelled at (though I still cry at times). I love to make them laugh and to laugh with them. Finally, I love knowing that my life revolves around love - giving love, teaching love, learning love.

Back to that deathbed speech I mentioned an hour ago, when I ask myself, “Dianna, if you were on your deathbed, which choice would you most regret having given up?” Every time the answer is the same. I won’t have regrets. Motherhood is far greater than anything I’ve had to give up or postpone so far.

Here’s sending out love, prayers, and respect to all of the amazing and imperfect Moms and Moms-to-be whom I know. You are doing, have done, or will do the greatest, most important, most rewarding work in the world.

Or, as Captain Taggart would say, “Never give up! Never surrender!”


In the spirit of confession/commiseration, I thought I'd share that my afternoon as a mother was a bit lame at points. Sophie came home from school, and the walls came tumbling down. I'm not saying that it's her fault. I haven't been great at given her a steady routine (thanks to chronic fatigue, AKA having a baby), and she has gotten into the habit of being completely non-compliant and argumentative. I burst into tears about three times and felt pretty hopeless after a while. And only just a few hours after posting this optimistic, hopeful epistle! It's like going to the temple during a difficult time in your life. You feel so wonderful and hopeful inside, and then within an hour of returning home, non-temple life comes crashing back in. Gotta love it! Okay, Captain Taggart, I'll keep plugging along...

Idol Thoughts... The Top 12...uh, I mean 13

So I got really serious last week and was being one with my alter-ego, the Pensive Mormom, with my political, economy focused, anti-Hollywood rant - all of which I meant - and I will admit that I was a bit negative. Thanks for your patience!

It’s Idol time again! I’m just going to give my responses to the folk who performed tonight:

Lil Rounds – Fabulous!! She’s another Melinda Doolite, and I hope she goes far. Since she’s also a mother of three, which is really hard, I respect her all the more for her courage. Also she loves barbecue. Yummers!!

Scott MacIntyre (AKA Blind piano playing guy) – He’s fine, but here’s my beef with him. He’s not the only blind person who can sing and play the piano. A lot of blind people who are musicians are terrific piano players. They naturally have fantastic ears and learn that whole playing by feel thing quicker and better than many seeing people. So, as much as I totally appreciate and admire that he had the courage to audition, I expect him to be a better singer with such an ear. I’m not loving him, and he’s being given too much of a pass for being blind. He also has pretty lame taste in music. I’ve said this before, but people need to pick songs that we know and love, or we’ll get bored quickly.

Also, and I know this sounds terrible but I’ve got to say it, I don’t like watching him. The wandering, extremely wide eyes are distracting, and he’s not a handsome man. He needs a consultant or coach to get blunt and teach him how to close his eyes the way “Boccelli” does or do something else that doesn’t make difficult to watch. As I said, it sounds cold and harsh, but that’s the business folks.

Danny Gokey – He’s great. I was busy typing, so I missed his dancing (which Simon hated), but his vocals sounded great, and I think he made some great, fun vocal choices with his song. I hope people don’t forget how terrific he is.

Michael Sarver – He’s a sweetie, and he has good pipes, but I’m not jumping out of my seat. I love the song choice, though. (He picked “You Are Not Alone.”) I fear he may go home soon.

Jasmine Murray – She’s really pretty (runs in the family obviously – did you see her sister?!), but she’s a little raw for my taste. She needs more training. She oversings and crushes a lot of her big notes. I fear her days are numbered as well.

Kris Allen– He’s married??? I thought he was like 12 or something! Look, this boy seems really sweet and kind of a cutie, but I’m underwhelmed by his talent. I suspect he’s still safe, though, since a large percentage of voters are teenage girls. Simon might’ve been right, though, that they should’ve waited a little longer to mention that he’s married. Oops!! If he’s gone tomorrow night, we’ll know why.

Allison Iraheta – I have a big soft-spot for rockers. Maybe it’s because I’m completely incapable of pulling off “rocker.” But I love this girl. Her voice is rich and strong, and she doesn’t ever seem to hit a bad note. I really love her, actually, and she pulls the goofiest faces during comments, which I find terribly endearing. Yeah, she’s a favorite of mine.

Anoop Desai – Anoop, my friend, what on earth were you thinking when you chose “Beat It”? Big mistake, and not a very good performance. I fear that he’ll be gone next week, especially after Simon gave him the kiss of death (Ryan - “Do you regret making it a top 13?” Simon - “On the back of that, yes.”)

Jorge Nunez – Okay, Jorge is such a tender soul, but this was cheesy and old fashioned. I hope he comes back next week, but I didn’t enjoy the song or the performance. But isn’t he just such a sweetie??!! And the afro!! Isn’t it darling?

Megan Corkrey – She’s gorgeous, but “Rockin’ Robin”??? But her bio about how she adores her little boy makes me want to cry. I love my little boys too, and I’d be crying too. Actually, with her crazy style, the song really fit her. And the “caw caw” at the end is a riot!! And she’s gorgeous. And her bio makes me want to cry. I think she’s safe.

Adam Lambert – Sophie loves this guy. I’ve got to say that I kind of like him too even though everything I’ve seen him do has been flawed. I think he overdoes it. But…WOW, he’s got a crazy, cool, unique voice and he’s oozing with confidence on stage. I haven’t fallen in love with his work yet, but I really, really like this performer. I hope he gets consistently better and better. Besides, when Sophie likes someone, it helps if they’re a good performer. Last year, her man was David Archuleta. Hurray!! The year before? Sanjaya. Ugh!

Matt Giraud – I hope people don’t forget this guy. He’s terrific. The song is beautiful even if it wasn’t thrilling following Adam. But he deserves to stay for sure.

Alexis Grace – I have a few problems with Alexis. First, she is not any kind of role model for little girls. I don’t like the raunchy thing she’s doing with the ultra scanty outfits, etc. Second, she seems a little processed for me. She was a little more wholesome looking at her initial audition, but her sound was sassy. So the judges told her to “dirty it up” a little. Well, she did it. Can we say “Barbie doll?” Finally, David dated a girl named Alexis in high school, and I really do not like this person. Case closed.

You know, this first part was really boring. Haha!!! I was reading it to David, and it made me laugh how boring it must be to read a bunch of two line comments about a bunch of singers, especially if the reader doesn’t watch the show. Instead of editing it though (I need sleep anyway), I’ll leave it so you can laugh with me at what an enormous geek I am for making you listen to my play by play critiques.

Anyway, here’s the problem with Idol this year. There were too many people in the top group, and too much time has passed between our seeing each of them. Also, they have not been worked hard enough so far. I know their schedule is completely rigorous, and it’s amazing that they don’t all have laryngitis by the finale, but it’s also good for the performers to have to work hard and learn and perform new songs every week. They grow on us. I know it’ll get harder and harder, but I think those first 3 weeks make a difference in how much the TV audience loves/hates the performers. And again, there are too many of them. I mean, please judges!! I liked Anoop too, but you could’ve parted with him sooner. Or maybe Jasmine shouldn’t have gone on. But we practically ran out of time tonight with the comments and having too many performers to fit in. It’ll be interesting to see how this competition pans out in the next several weeks, but they have their work cut out to make themselves memorable.

And let’s be honest, last year was just thoroughly AWESOME. They have some seriously huge shoes to fill.

“You’ve changed…you’re different in the woods…”

For those who don’t recognize the words in the title, these are lyrics are from a musical called Into the Woods. This show had a powerful impact on my life as a teen, and I still see it was one of the greatest musicals ever. I imagine that I might judge it a little harder now, but even looking back, there are still great messages that I remember from the piece. One song, entitled “Children Will Listen”, includes the following:
“Careful the things you say.
Children will listen.
Careful the things you do.
Children will see and learn.
Children may not obey,
But children will listen.
Children will look to you for
Which way to turn,
To learn what to be.
Careful before you say, ‘Listen to me.’
Children will listen.”

Profound, isn’t it?

Anyway this post is not about Into the Woods, though I highly recommend the musical to anyone looking for a great show. Actually this post is about…me. Isn’t everything? Just joking, believe me. I’ve just found myself marveling lately, not necessarily with joy but definitely with wonder, about how much I’ve changed over the years. A lot of this awareness has to do with politics lately. You know, years ago I would’ve just been delighted to have an African-American president. In fact, all of my life I thought it would be really wonderful to have seen this country evolve so much that we’d elect a black man or woman President of the United States, based on their principles and abilities and not on their sex or race. A lot of people are still celebrating that we now have an African-American President. Except I’ve found myself so disappointed with President Obama so far that I could just cry. I didn’t vote for him, but I didn’t feel vehemently against him becoming President either. The truth is, I didn’t know very much about him. He was a great speaker, and he seemed pretty moderate and capable of working well with people from other parties. In the past several months, however, I’ve learned some things that have made me uncomfortable with him. In the past several weeks, I’ve seen things that have made me angry at him. I don’t like this man, and I actually wish he was a white man who wasn’t a brilliant orator so that people would start paying attention to his policies and holding him more accountable for his actions and those he supports.

But this wasn’t supposed to be about Barack Obama either. I don’t mean to offend people by bagging on someone you might admire. It’s just about how life can change our belief system so much. I can remember sitting in my high school Economics class and feeling favorably about Socialism compared to Capitalism. Socialism equaled compassionate society. Capitalism equaled cold, money-hungry society. Now despite the fact that we’re not rich or anything, I feel so strongly about supporting Capitalism. Granted, I do believe that there should be equal opportunity through making education and assistance available for those who need help getting to their feet, but Capitalism creates motivation to even stand. What a strange surprise to me that I feel this way now!

I used to love movies. Don’t get me wrong, I still do like them very much. I currently have a big thing for BBC movies adapted from classic literature. Oh I love them!! All the Jane Austens & Elizabeth Gaskells! I also love the Lord of the Rings films, etc. Okay, yes, I still love them. But I’ve become such a snob about how well a film is made and so sensitive to what kind of content is in a film that I rarely come away satisfied these days. David and I have been Netflix members for almost a month, and we’re canceling our membership this weekend. I don’t want to waste what precious little time I have with David watching some dumb movie every week and then being too tired to converse rationally afterward. And I have a big grudge against Hollywood right now, and I’m determined that watching fewer films is the only way I can protest.

And how about Hollywood? I used to admire so many actors and directors. I never missed the Oscars or the Tonys for anything. This year, however, I watched the Oscars for about ten minutes, and I was disgusted. The way the actors worshipped each other and the business they’re in was revolting. Sean Penn, despite being a very talented actor, gives me tics. My husband studied a book in college called Hollywood vs. America, in which Michael Medved pointed out how the ideologies of Hollywood are in direct conflict with the ideologies of mainstream America. Anti-religion, anti-Capitalism, anti-modesty, anti-chastity, etc. – that’s Hollywood for you. The Oscars was a perfect demonstration of that reality. As Penn accepted his Oscar for Best Actor, he called on Proposition 8 supporters to reflect with shame on their actions and expressed gratitude for having an eloquent President, and most of the crowd cheered along with him. Any conservative Republicans or believers in traditional marriage must’ve been quite uncomfortable. My yearning of younger days to be one of those beautiful, lucky, talented actors was dissolved in that moment (though it has waned over the past several years).

Where has all of this change come from? Life, I guess. I think I was such an incredibly selfish person when I was younger. All I thought about was myself – my appearance, whether or not I could act or sing well, whether I had friends or if people thought I was talented. Now I’m not saying that Democrats are selfish. I’m not saying that single people are all egocentric. I do think a lot of actors can be pretty ridiculous. Most of the people I know are pretty incredible people who are good friends and are thoughtful and considerate of others. But it took falling in love with David and becoming a wife and a mother to start realizing how my choices and attitudes affect others and how loving relationships are the source of life’s greatest joys. It also took seeing the joy of motherhood to appreciate how much less joy I might have found in being a professional actress and/or singer. It took having a family, serving as the CFO of our household, making some very painful financial mistakes, and looking toward our financial future to help me appreciate the benefits of capitalism – how hard work and ambition, financial discipline, and wise investment can empower you take control of your destiny and assist others to do the same.

All of that said, and to serve as an anti-nausea pill for those of you who probably think I’m being completely arrogant, I am fully aware of that fact that I have miles to go before I sleep. I still have a ridiculous temper. I complain too much. I’m anxious and obsessive compulsive. I still haven’t figured out the difference between insecurity and humility (except this – first one bad, second one good). I eat too much sugar, exercise too little, listen to too much talk radio, yell at my kids and husband too much, read too slowly, have a slight speech impediment, pray too infrequently, think I’m right all of the time when I’m often wrong, and cry when I’m tired instead of going to sleep (can we say – logic?). And that’s just the intro, but we all have things to do, and the full list would keep us from those things. Also, I must fully acknowledge that I could be completely wrong about politics, Hollywood, and money.

I guess the bottom line is I’ve changed. I’m pretty sure I’m not better than most other people. I at least hope that I’m better than my old self.

Idol Thoughts - Top 36, Week 1

Quell torture!! Hollywood Week was a drama fest, and now I know why I haven’t watched it in previous years, but now we have to spend the next few weeks watching 9 people per week fumble their one and only shot to win audience votes.

For non-viewers who choose to experience Idol vicariously through me (you know who you are), here’s the format we’re dealing with: We’re down to 36 (well, now 27). For each of three weeks, 1/3rd of the group (12 singers) will perform, America will vote, and the top 3 (top man, top woman, and the person with the next highest votes) will all go through to the final 12. The last 3 to make the 12 will be chosen through some wild-card thing. (I have no idea what this process involves.) In other words, unlike most of the previous years where they had 24 and eliminated 4 people a week for three weeks, there will be 9 people eliminated each week. So we have to sit there and watch Ryan cruelly break the hearts of 9 people each Wednesday night. Ouch!!

The upside to this, of course, is that we don’t have to go through the torture of seeing people like Tatiana Del Toro (good pipes, schmaltzy singing style, emotionally unhealthy) week after week because, if she has fans, they’re likely to be zealots who would go crazy with voting. The downside is that everyone will have one shot at the top 12 (unless they’re picked for the mysterious wild-card thingy). So if they make a bad song choice or crack a note or get the kiss of death from Simon (“I think you’ve blown a massive opportunity…”), then there will be no second chance to step-it-up. And with so many others, some talented people will be forgotten forever. Sad.

Why are they doing this, I wonder? Was it too grueling for the contestants in previous years? To learn and rehearse two songs per week (plus publicity, etc.) for several weeks? You gotta be kidding me! To mix it up? Aren’t crazy, dramatic contestants enough mixing? Besides, how is America going to make viewers into fans of a specific artist if we hardly get to see them during these first few weeks? I guess three months with the top performers is a long enough time.

Oh well, it’s probably just me not adapting to change. Well that and the fact that I really don’t like to watch people completely fail at their only chance to succeed. I mean, when you audition for a play, your first audition should be completely stellar, but if the pianist trips you up, if you spit out a big glob on a high note, or if the song isn’t perfect for you but you look like you might fit the role well, you at least get a callback. (Well unless the director has pigeon-holed you as an ingenue though you’re shooting for a character role… no, I’m not relating or anything.) I guess that’s kind of what this is. This is their audition for America, and there is not much room at callbacks (12 slots only). And if that wasn’t just the cheesiest thing anyone ever typed…

I just hope that they divided up each of the three groups well. Otherwise, the top 12 could be pretty uneven. “Here are the best three from the reject group, then the best three from the evenly distributed group, and then the best of the best.” (Makes me think of the Men in Black. “The best of the best of the best…sir!”)

So I guess I ought to make a comment or two on the contestants. Well, I had hoped for more from most of the contestants. Even those who made it through this week, Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver, and Danny Gokey, weren’t thrilling to me. Alexis is a cute woman, but after an audition where they told her to “dirty up a bit” (I’m misquoting, I’m sure), she performed this week wearing something akin to a negligee. Good vocals, but not a very big voice (though a big Aretha song). Still, she was solid enough, despite the fact that I’m not excited for my 7 year old to see that the only woman who made it through this week was the one who was completely immodest in her appearance. That’s also not to mention that she seems like she was completely designed by the judges. They told her to be sassy or “dirty,” and she reinvented herself. Not that interesting. She does have a lovely little daughter. That’s interesting. Hopefully this will help their future.

It makes me appreciate Michael Sarver better. He’s the oil rig driver (at least, I think that’s his usual work – suffice it to say, his work is something blue collar and very dangerous). Very good pipes, despite the uselessness of his song. “I don’t wanna be” something or other. (Rock country is a genre that I simply do not get.) But he’s a husband and a father, not pretty but not ugly, and very likable. Nice choice, viewers.

Then there is Danny Gokey. Danny Gokey has very good pipes and a lot of soul for looking like a cross between Robert Downey, Jr. and that slightly nerdy guy that you did show choir with in High School – not skinny, not great looking, but kind of cuddly. Again, he’s got a very good voice and nice vocal stylings. Church music director for a living. But Danny has something that the other two don’t necessarily have (at least not as much of). I’ll call it Oprah factor (though it’s more moving to me than most things I associate with Oprah). He’s got an emotional, heart-wrenching story. I don’t know the details of the story, but he’s 28, and his wife passed away about 4 weeks before he auditioned for Idol. It’s so sad. To add more emotion to it, his best friend is a pretty great singer and was an amazing support to him through the weeks following his wife’s death. That friend, whose name completely escapes me at this moment, made it all the way through to the end of Hollywood week and was eliminated just before the final 36. It was almost like a married couple being separated, and you could tell that Danny was filled with dread and guilt. Talk about awkward. I think he’ll go far in the competition, though. He might not win if a stronger singer trumps him, but he has been featured quite a bit, and he has a huge following already, I’m sure. Plus he’s pretty smart. Picks songs that we know and like, and then personalizes them. That’s what contestants should do!

As for the others who didn’t make the cut this week, Tuesday night was very painful. I kept asking myself, “Did no one mention that this was a one shot deal?” Most of the contestants picked the wrong song. Either it was too old (something the Anoop Desai sang extremely well, but completely forgettable – I hope he’s a wild-card pick), too big and hard for the singer (“Saving All My Love” and “Natural Woman” – both decent performances, but seriously ladies, do you want be compared to Whitney or Aretha?), or it did nothing to showcase people’s voices. "Rock With You?" by Michael Jackson? What was that about? Even Michael would know better than to pick a disco-boogie song! And poor Stevie did not hit a single correct note in her awful Taylor Swift song (not to mention that every time she sang the word “me” she took a breath right in the middle of the word – I’m allergic to that, incidentally). I kept hearing contestants say “I want to show what kind of artist I am,” “I just want to entertain and get people on their feet,” or "I thought it'd be a good choice for the first live show." Are you kidding me? This was it! Oh, friends, what torture to see people come so far and not give their all to their one shot! I can’t imagine the pressure, but I felt some of the pain!!

So, folks, fasten your seat belts! We’re in for some bumpy nights!! Just think, next week - Nick Mitchell (or Norman Gentle?). In two weeks, Nathaniel Marshall! This may not be fun, but you can’t say it’ll be boring either!

It's That Time Again!

Oh, I'm so excited that it's American Idol Season again!! I love this show, even if the beginning feels a little like a trip to the carnival. I can't help but joke that I half expect a bearded lady to walk in and audition. That said, it's fun to discover new talent and get excited for some people.

So here's a small recap of the premiere episode: There's a new judge (I guess to help phase Simon out?), and she's pretty. Her name is Kara DioGuardi, and she seems like she's somewhere between Simon and Randy on harshness, but she's a woman so she's a little more humble. I'm not sure how much I like her, but she seems okay so far. I love Simon as always, and Randy just makes me laugh. Paula just irritates me, and let's be honest she always will.

Their starting city was Phoenix, AZ. (I think it was Phoenix. Well it was AZ at least). David and I felt that the supposed hopefuls with no talent were less convincing this year. Frauds, all of them.

Then there was this girl in a bikini. Yikes!! Disgusting. Simon and Randy put her through 100% because she was a pretty girl wearing less fabric on her body than a handkerchief. Paula is irritating enough, but I may never forgive her for putting through this woman (and I think she did it just to avoid conflict). Featuring the bikini lady and sending her through to Hollywood may hurt the show, to be honest. But there have been freakier hopefuls in the past. Fewer have been more offensive, though. She gave attitude to Kara, and she behaved like a strumpet (throwing herself at Ryan). She won't last. The reason? Demographic. Most of this shows viewers are families, women, and gay men. She's outta there soon, baby!

On Scott, the blind contestant: He was very nice, but I was less impressed than I expected to be. If I were a blind singer, I might be a little irritated that such moderate talent got by. A friend of mine from High School was blind and an amazing soprano. Flawless pitch. I don't know. Maybe Scott will turn out to be great too, but his audition underwhelmed me. I think, though, that singing in a choir for three years with a blind soprano kind of hardened me to the "wow, that's brave to sing in front of others" factor. It seemed to me that Amy showed a lot more bravery getting around by herself at school, being an excellent student, playing Cinderella's mother in the musical (which required climbing up a ladder and sitting on a large moving set piece at one point), performing dance moves in show choir, and just being herself (boy, was she sassy!). Singing and playing the piano was pretty easy for her. Just an opinion. But, yes, it's still terrific when blind artists share their incredible gifts. Maybe I'm just jealous because they've got better pitch than me. Aha!! A revelation!!

Yeah, the bikini girl - won't last past Hollywood week. Mark my words.

On Callings...

They're good. They're hard. Everyone is doing their best, even you are.

Be patient. Try harder. It'll help someone, maybe even you.

This is what I tell myself right now. Yesterday I cried. Today I sent a very long email that took 4 hours to type. I hope it'll help us find some solutions. Solutions are a good thing.

So, callings...They're good...